Corrupted Sanctuary
by NeverTooLate123
Summary: Barba starts getting gifts from an unknown sender that seem harmless at first. Then things take a dark turn putting Barba in danger. When everything falls apart will he be able to put his life back together?
1. Introduction:Appreciation

A/N: This is my first SVU fanfic and while I have seen alot of the last few seasons of the show I have not seen all of it. If anything is inaccurate please let me know and I will do my best to fix it. This only the introduction, later chapters will be longer. I appreciate any and all feedback.

Warnings: This story includes talk of rape and sexual assault. It should be at about the level that the show deals with it.

Introduction: Appreciation

Rafael Barba had never gotten flowers before. Yet a colorful and fragrant arrangement had just been delivered to his office. He pulled out the small card that had come with it, wondering who would've sent him something like that. The card read: "I greatly admire you and the work you do." It was not signed and the delivery man left before he could ask who had sent it.

It was nice to be appreciated for the work he did. At times he became exhausted with always having someone angry at him. There were also times that he wondered if it was worth it. But then he would win a case and see a look of relief on the victim's face knowing that justice had been served. Unfortunately, those moments didn't happen frequently enough, more often than not he had to make an unsettling compromise.

The flowers and the card that he was holding were a small but welcome encouragement. He allowed it to put him in a better mood than he had started the day with.

As he set the arrangement on his desk his phone beeped to remind him that he had to be in court soon. Barba grabbed his briefcase and left with one last glance at the flowers. When viewing them out of the corner of his eye he realized that the colors stood out, a stark contrast against the neutral tones of his office.

* * *

"The state requests remand, your honor," Barba said as he glanced at the defense. "The defendant has already once left the state while awaiting a previous trial."

"I was just trying to see my son!" the defendant frantically tried to explain.

The judge gave the defense a stern glare. "Mr. Darner, I suggest that you rein in your client."

"Sean, hold yourself together," Darner muttered before turning to the judge. "Your honor, Mr. Arnold only left the state because his girlfriend had just given birth to their son. He is not a flight risk as his girlfriend and his son have moved back to the city recently. All of his family is here, he has a job, and doesn't even have a passport. He's not going anywhere."

The judge sighed and Barba was concerned for a moment that he saw sympathy in her eyes. She seemed to weigh the argument for less than a second before deciding. "Bail is set at three hundred and fifty thousand dollars."

Barba looked down to pack up his things and smirked to himself satisfied with the amount the bail had been set at. When he looked up Darner had stopped in front of him. "Can I help you?" he asked the unmoving defense attorney.

"I always look forward to going up against you, Mr. Barba. You're always so… fiery in the courtroom," Darner said with barely concealed anticipation.

Barba raised an eyebrow at Darner's choice of words but nodded as he replied. "I will try not to disappoint," he said dryly.

As he left the courtroom Barba shook his head to himself. Darner was rather new on the scene and had only crossed paths with him in court once before. The defense attorney seemed to get overconfident before completely bombing when it came to actually performing in a full courtroom. It was a bit refreshing for Barba to finally have an easy case to look forward to.

* * *

When Barba got back to his office Olivia was waiting for him. "Hello, Lieutenant," he greeted as he set down his briefcase and sat down behind his desk. "To what do I owe the honor."

She set down a file on the desk and slid it to him. "I needed to talk to you about the Thornton case."

They spent most of the evening discussing the intricacies of the case. Barba ended up ordering them dinner while they went over it. Eventually, Olivia excused herself saying that she wanted to get home in time to put Noah to bed.

As she put on her coat she paused to glance at the flowers on Barba's desk. "Nice flowers by the way. Who are they from?"

"I don't know," Barba admitted as he crumpled up the paper wrapper from his sandwich. "Someone delivered them earlier with no name on the card."

Olivia frowned as her glance turned into a suspicious look. "That's odd."

"They're just flowers. The card said that the sender admired the work I do. It's nice to be appreciated every once in a while. Some people seem to think I only exist to be at their beck and call," he said pointedly.

The Lieutenant rolled her eyes as she approached the door. "Just be careful. Okay, Barba?"

"Okay," he replied with an impatient sigh. "I thought you wanted to get home, not hang around my office speculating about flowers."

Once she was gone Barba sat down behind his desk again and stared at the flowers. It was nice to know someone understood how much work he did, but it still concerned him that no one had signed the card. In his line of work anonymity was not usually a good thing. On the other hand, it was just flowers, not a letter filled with anthrax.


	2. Chapter One:Curiouser and Curiouser

A/N:Hey, everyone! Here is the first chapter. Since this is my first SVU story I would appreciate it if you guys could let me know if everyone seems in character. I get a little paranoid about that sort of thing when I write fanfiction for a new fandom. Thanks, I'll let you get on with the chapter now.

Chapter One: Curiouser and Curiouser

At the knock on her office door Olivia looked up from her desk to see Rollins already closing the door behind her. "Lieutenant, a man just came in. He says that he'll only speak to someone in charge. His face is all bruised up. I think he might be a vic."

"Alright, go ahead and bring him into my office."

Rollins left and moments later escorted a young man into the office. The left side of his face was dark with bruises. His eye was almost completely swollen shut and his lip was split. He tentatively reached forward to shake Olivia's hand. "I'm Hector Aldama. Thank you for seeing me."

"I'm Lieutenant Benson." After shaking his hand she gestured for him to sit. "Please have a seat, Mr. Aldama."

He carefully sat down but seemed to be on the edge of seat prepared to jump up at a moment's notice. "I was hoping to talk in private," he mumbled with a sideways glance at Rollins.

Rollins raised her eyebrows at the Lieutenant but she left without another word. Once the door shut Olivia asked gently. "What did you want to speak to me about?"

Hector stared down at his lap as he spoke hesitantly. "I was… I was attacked two nights ago. I came home from work and there was someone already in my apartment. A- a- a man in a mask came out of nowhere. He hit me in the head and I blacked out. When I woke up I was… I was naked." His voice broke on the last word and he had to take several deep breaths before continuing. "I was in my bed with my- my hands tied to the headboard and… the masked man…. He raped me."

"Okay," Olivia said calmly. She had to take several deep breaths herself trying to keep her mind from wandering to her own experience with Lewis. Hector Aldama needed her full attention. "Did you go to the hospital or tell any-"

"No," he said cutting her off impatiently. "I was humiliated. I couldn't tell anyone about it. I only came to here because I read in the paper that your unit handles cases like this and I… I was afraid he would come back."

"Did he threaten to come back?"

Hector let out a shaky sigh. "No. But when I came home from work last night I thought I heard something and I had…" he trailed off unable to continue. Olivia waited, giving him the time he needed. "I had to go spend the night at my parent's house. I didn't tell them what happened, but I know that they are worried about me. I don't want to be scared for the rest of my life, thinking that he's going to be around every corner."

"Mr. Aldama, my team is going to find this man, but to do that I'm going to need you to tell me everything that happened that night."

He nodded slowly as he reached up and subconsciously prodded at the bruises on his face. "I don't know if I'll remember everything. It's weird. When it was happening it felt like time was standing still, but now it feels like it happened too fast for me to understand what happened to me."

"We'll just start with what you can recall and if you remember anything later you can tell me then."

Hector slipped off his coat, preparing to tell his story and Olivia got a clear view of the vicious bruises around his neck. "What happened there?" she asked trying not to cringe at the sight.

He reached up touched his neck. "He wrapped a belt around my neck and choked me while he was raping me." His voice sounded far away as if he was reliving the moment.

Olivia swallowed hard. "Let's start at the beginning, when you left work," she suggested a bit too loudly trying to bring him back.

He blinked and nodded in agreement. "Alright. I work for an accounting firm and I ended up leaving late."

* * *

The flowers (minus the card) continued to come to Barba's office every two weeks. After the second time he called the flower shop to find who was sending them. Unfortunately, they didn't know either. The shop owner told him that they would find that the night before an envelope had been slipped through the mail slot with a filled out order form and exact payment inside. Without cause to launch a full investigation Barba left it at that.

On his way to the courthouse Barba wondered if he would be getting a flower delivery that day. He wasn't looking forward to it but as he had already gotten three in the past couple of months he started to try and guess what day it would arrive on. He counted that it was exactly two weeks ago that he had gotten the last one. But the deliveries were not always on time. The inexactness of the pattern kept him on his toes.

Barba stopped to get his usual morning coffee near the courthouse. He ordered and then stood off to the side to wait for his drink. He checked his email on his phone in the meantime. He was notified of a couple of court dates being moved, one trial was being moved to another courtroom, and a confirmation of the appointment for a repairman to come fix the heater in his office.

He looked up at the sound of his name being called for his coffee. As he reached for his cup another hand reached at the same time for the other cup sitting on the counter. Their hands bumped and both cups toppled over spilling their drinks.

"I am so sorry," Barba apologized to both the barista and the other coffee patron.

"I'll get you both new drinks," the barista said with a sigh.

As the barista walked away Barba turned to the owner of the other coffee. It was a woman with light brown hair that had been neatly pinned back, and shining blue eyes that stunned him with their brightness.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing, Mr. Barba," she said with a shy smile.

Barba frowned in confusion trying to remember where he had met this woman before. "You know who I am?"

The woman blushed as she nervously pulled at a loose strand of her hair. "Not a lot of people notice the stenographer, huh? I've seen you in court a few times."

"Oh, god, I'm sorry I didn't remember you," he apologized again. Barba felt horrible that he couldn't remember ever laying eyes on her before that moment. But she was right, with the ordered chaos of court the stenographer was the last person he paid attention to.

"It's okay, really. My name is Delilah Austin."

"Rafael Barba," he said automatically as they shook hands. "But you already knew that."

Delilah laughed lightly. "I'm assuming that you're heading to the courthouse."

"Yes, I have several cases that I'm dealing with today."

The barista set down their remade coffees. "Here you go."

Barba waited allowing Delilah to grab her coffee before he reached for his, wanting to avoid a repeat of the earlier accident. She smiled at him when she realized this.

"We could walk together to the courthouse," she cautiously offered.

Barba felt his mouth suddenly go dry and he had to sip his coffee to be able to answer. "Sure. I don't see why not."

As they walked together Barba found that he enjoyed chatting with Delilah. She had great sense of humor and did several impressions of judges that were not well-liked. He found it refreshing that she could be so bubbly knowing what they saw every day. By the time they reached the courthouse and had to go their separate ways Barba didn't want their conversation to end.

"Wait a second," Delilah said before he could walk away. She pulled out a business card and jotted something on the back. She held it out to him as she bit her lip nervously. "Here. I wrote my personal cell number on the back. Call me later."

Barba looked down at her outstretched hand and hesitated only for a moment before taking the card. "I will," he promised.

* * *

Rollins sighed as she tossed the fingerprinting report on her desk. "What prints we could find were too smudged to be conclusive," she announced.

Carisi ran a hand over his face as he leaned back in his chair. "We checked all traffic cams and CCTV in the area but with the little description we got it hasn't been very helpful."

"I don't want to be the one to say it," Fin said slowly. "But this case might be at a dead end. We've got no DNA, no prints, no witnesses…"

Olivia had stepped out of her office in time to hear the tail end of the conversation. "We are not giving up on this," she said sternly.

Fin put his hands up in a surrender motion. "I wasn't saying that."

"Good. I want you and Rollins to recanvas the apartment building. You said several tenants didn't answer their doors. I want you to get in contact with them. Carisi, go over the traffic cams and surveillance footage again. I want facial recognition on anyone acting suspicious."

As the team moved to follow her orders Olivia exhaled slowly. She understood just how hopeless the case was looking but she refused to let up on the investigation. They would look at the evidence as thoroughly as possible and then go over it again until they found a lead.

* * *

It had been several days since Delilah had given Barba her number. They had seen each other a couple of times in passing at the courthouse but he still hadn't called or texted her. He had been so busy that he honestly kept forgetting to call. He was beginning to wonder if it was even a good idea. Getting involved with someone, even casually, required time to invest in the other person and he did not have much time to spare. He could barely find the time to see his own mother, much less tentatively start a relationship with someone.

Barba looked down at his phone as he waited in line to pick up some Chinese food to take back to his office for lunch. He scrolled through his contacts and stopped, hovering over Delilah's name. After a moment he clicked out of his contacts list and shoved his phone back in his pocket.

There was a light tap on his shoulder and he turned to find Darner standing behind him. "Hello, Mr. Barba," the defense attorney greeted with a wide smile on his face. "I haven't seen you since I was representing Sean Arnold. How're you doing?"

"I'm fine," Barba replied feeling a little thrown by the warm greeting. "How are you?"

"Good. I'm good. Listen, I was wondering if I could pick your brain a little. Maybe over lunch?"

The A.D.A frowned at the request, more than a little confused as to why a defense attorney he barely knew would be wanting to have lunch with him. "I'm uncomfortable with consulting with you on a case," he replied assuming that must be what he wanted to talk about.

"No, no, no. It's not about a specific case. I just wanted to talk about… theory."

Barba glanced at his watch as the line moved up. "I'm sorry, Mr. Darner, I really don't have the time today. I'm taking my lunch back to my office so I can do some work. Maybe another time."

Darner seemed disappointed but he nodded in agreement. "Alright, Barba, I'll take a rain check, but I'm holding you to it."

 _Hopefully, you won't._ Barba thought as he stepped forward to order. The younger man's personality grated on him. He couldn't put his finger on why but he became frustrated when having to interact with the other man outside of court. He figured that it was just one of those instances that personalities didn't mesh.

When Barba got back to his office his secretary alerted him to there being a package waiting for him in his office. He set down his food and approached the small brown box on his desk. He carefully opened the package and pulled out the smaller black box inside. It looked like the type of box that held jewelry. "Curiouser, and curiouser," he muttered as he flipped the top open. Inside sat a pair of very expensive looking cufflinks.

Barba snapped the box shut again with a sigh. The only explanation for the flowers and the gift that he could come up with was bribery. Someone was trying to make sure that he owed them in the future. He placed the box in his desk and made a mental note to check the return address later.


	3. Chapter Two:Sinister Shine

Chapter Two: Sinister Shine

Barba finally ended his purgatory of indecision by calling Delilah and asking her out on a date. He stood in front of his mirror tying his tie. Nerves made his hands clumsy and it took longer than usual to get it right. He hadn't been on a date in a while and was worried that he would say or do something wrong. He had to keep reminding himself that it was only dinner. They would take things slow and he would ease himself into this.

He glanced at his watch and saw that he would have to leave soon if he wanted to be on time for their reservation. As he did one last check in the mirror he reached up to flatten a few stray strands of hair. The reflection of the plain cufflink on his wrist caught his eye. He wanted to make a good impression and he wasn't sure the cufflinks that he wore in court every day would do that for him. His mind went to the expensive cufflinks that had been delivered to his office the other day. He had brought them home and tucked them away in his top dresser drawer. In a moment of impulsiveness, he removed the dull cufflinks and replaced them with the expensive ones. After that he quickly left his apartment before he could think better of his actions.

Barba had gotten to the restaurant first. He sat at the table nervously sipping at the tall glass of ice water that the waiter had brought him while he waited for his date. When he saw Delilah approaching the table he quickly stood. "Delilah," he greeted. "You look beautiful." She wore a dark blue dress that flattered her perfectly and brought out her eyes. Her shoulder length hair was styled in waves that framed her face.

"Thank you," she replied with a nervous laugh. "You look handsome as ever, Rafael."

He thanked her for the compliment as they sat. Delilah took out her phone and proceeded to send off a text before turning back to Barba. He tried to keep a pleasant smile on his face but he worried that her attention to her phone was a bad sign. "I was just letting my friend know I got here safe," she said when she noticed his nervous smile. "I keep my friend updated when I go out on dates with new guys. Which is not as often as I just made it sound. It's just a safety measure." She bit her lip and met Barba's eyes looking unsure. "I'm not trying to say I don't feel safe with you."

"No, no. I understand," he reassured her quickly. "It's good to take precautions."

They both gave each other relieved smiles and Barba started to feel himself relaxing.

The date went better than Barba expected. It ended with them taking a taxi back to her apartment. He walked her to the door but before she went in she turned back to him. "Would you like to come inside?" she asked softly.

Barba was tempted. Delilah reached out and placed a hand on his chest. He placed his hand over hers and he could swear that his heart was beating so hard he could feel it through her hand. They both leaned in and their lips met in a tentative kiss. It quickly grew passionate as she pulled him to the door. He could hear her fumbling to open it without breaking the kiss. He pulled away, breathing hard and Delilah turned to properly open the door.

He was liking where the evening was going but something was making him hesitate. "Wait," he said breathily. "I should go."

Delilah turned to him with a confused frown. "What? I thought we were- I mean, I thought the date was going well."

"It is. It was." It was going a little too well, but something felt off. Maybe he wasn't ready for things to be moving so quickly. He didn't want to do something that he would regret in the morning. "I just think I should go before things get too heated. I'll call you tomorrow."

Delilah sighed as she straightened his tie. "I can't say I'm not disappointed, but you're probably right. We should take things a little slower." She pressed another kiss to his mouth. "Good night, Rafael."

As he walked away Barba could've sworn he heard her mutter. "Why does he have to be such a gentleman?"

When Barba got back to his apartment building he nodded to the doorman in acknowledgement as the older man tipped his hat in greeting. He knew the man's name was Harold but they had never had a conversation. They just somehow started this tradition of greeting each other wordlessly when they saw each other.

He rode the elevator up to his floor and took off his shoes before walking to his apartment. Mrs. Talbot who lived on his floor always complained when there was any sound outside her door after 8PM. He had given up on that battle a long time ago, and as a criminal prosecutor it was quite the blow to his ego when he realized that he would never win against an eighty-seven-year-old woman whose only friends were three Siamese cats.

When he got to his door he saw an envelope taped to it with his name "Rafael" printed across the front. He took it down and brought it inside with him. He sat down on the couch, dropping his shoes on the floor by his feet.

A sense of foreboding hung heavy in the air as he tore the envelope open. Inside, there was only one sheet of paper that had only one sentence written in the middle of the page. "Glad to see you liked the cufflinks."

Barba felt sick as he crumpled the paper in his hand. He got up to through it in the trash but paused. Instead he smoothed out the paper and put it back in the envelope. He put it in his junk drawer in the kitchen not wanting to look at it but also knowing that he shouldn't get rid of it.

It was naïve of him to think that the flowers and the cufflinks were harmless attempts to butter him up for an upcoming trial. He was bordering on being disgusted with himself. He took off the cufflinks as he went back to his bedroom.

He took out their case and looked down at them for a moment. The glint on them no longer looked appealing, it had somehow turned sinister since the beginning of the evening. He put them away and snapped the case shut. He buried them in his top drawer beneath his underwear and undershirts.

After getting the offending cufflinks out of sight he called down to the doorman. It rang twice before the phone was picked up.

"Front desk. This is Harold," the doorman answered. His voice sounded different than Barba had imagined. The doorman's voice was a deep baritone with the remnants of a German accent.

"Hello, this Rafael Barba."

"Mr. Barba, what can I help you with?"

"I'm sorry to bother you," he said with a sigh. This was his own fault and he hated that his own lack of thoughtfulness had caused things to progress. "I was wondering if you saw anyone you didn't know come into the building this evening."

"No, I didn't. There weren't any visitors this evening." There was a short pause before he asked. "Did something happen? Should contact the authorities, Mr. Barba?"

"No. I didn't mean to worry you. It's nothing to be concerned about. Good night, Harold."

"Good night, Mr. Barba."

After he hung up Barba went into the kitchen and poured himself some scotch. He wondered if he was overreacting but he recalled the many cases in which he had to prosecute a stalker. If it wasn't addressed efficiently stalking could go bad very quickly. He sipped at the scotch and sighed. Maybe he should just go to bed and deal with it in the morning.

* * *

One week later…

When Olivia entered the hospital room the first thing that got her attention was the bruising around the victim's neck. She desperately hoped this wasn't the same man who had attacked Hector. They did not need a serial rapist on their hands.

"Hello, Mr. Sanchez. I'm Lieutenant Benson and this is Detective Rollins," she introduced. "We're here about the attack. Can you tell us what happened?"

"I was raped," he said through clenched teeth. "That bastard was already in my apartment waiting for me. He was a coward, wearing a mask like that. Couldn't even face me."

"How did you get the bruises on your neck?" Olivia asked. She held her breath as she waited for an answer.

Sanchez gripped the edge of his sheets so hard his hand started shaking. "He got a belt out of my closet and put it around my neck. He pulled it so tight I thought he was going to kill me."

Olivia and Rollins locked eyes for a moment. They both knew this was most likely the same person who attacked Hector Aldama.

"Any description you can give us will help us catch him," Rollins encouraged.

His lip curled as he said, "I already know who it is. My ex-boyfriend did this to me. He threatened me, saying that I would regret breaking up with him. He said that he would get back at me for dumping him."

Olivia held up a hand to stop him. "Alright. How do you know it was your ex? Did you see his face? Did he say something?"

Sanchez breathed in deeply through his nose as he shook his head. "No. I smelled him. He was wearing the exact same cologne Lenny wears."

"Okay. What is your ex's name?"

"Leonard Bianchi."

If this was his ex, then Aldama's attack could have been a practice run. Olivia turned to Rollins and told her in a low voice. "Call Fin and Carisi. Tell them to pick up Bianchi."

* * *

Barba woke up when he heard his cell phone ringing loudly. He reached over and answered it trying to sound as professional as he could while still being half asleep. "A.D.A. Barba." Olivia quickly informed him of the situation and he went from being half- asleep to being fully awake in record time. "I'll be right there," he told her.

He looked over to see Delilah still fast asleep. He didn't want to leave her so suddenly the morning after their first night together but he also couldn't keep the SVU waiting. As it was he already had to run back home and change before he could head over to the station.

Barba gently shook Delilah's shoulder until her eyes fluttered half open. "Lilah, I have to go to work. I'll call you later."

"Okay," she said, voice heavy with sleep. "See you later."

After pressing a kiss to the side of her mouth he rushed around to get dressed. Olivia was going to be pissed at him for taking so long to get to the station. He did not look forward to that conversation.

When he got to the station the first person he saw was Olivia. The look on her face confirmed his theory. Her lips were pressed together in a thin line and there was a deep frown creasing her forehead. "I know," he said preemptively. "I'm sorry. I got here as quickly as I could."

Olivia sighed and escorted him to the window into the interrogation without another word.

"Has he given us anything?" Barba asked as he watched Rollins and Fin play up the bad cop, good cop act.

"No," Olivia said, voice tight with frustration. "He denies being anywhere close to Matt Sanchez's or Hector Aldama's apartments. Unfortunately, we haven't found any connection between him and Aldama either."

"Sanchez did a rape kit, right? Put a rush on the DNA and-"

"There was no DNA," Olivia cut him off. "The rapist used a condom."

"Damn." Barba rubbed the back of his neck in thought.

In the silent moment Rollins could be heard in the interrogation room yelling at Bianchi. "We know what you did! You broke into your ex's apartment, waited for him to get home, and attacked him. All because you can't handle rejection! It's pathetic!"

"I didn't rape him! You're crazy," Bianchi shouted back as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Fin spoke softer than Rollins, trying to sound friendly and relatable. "Look, I get it. Break ups can get ugly. Maybe you went over there to talk to him and things got out of hand."

"I didn't do nothing!" Bianchi slammed his hands down on the table and glared at both of the detectives. "I want a lawyer," he hissed.

"And there are the magic words," Barba muttered as Rollins and Fin headed for the door. He turned to Olivia as he asked. "Would Hector Aldama be able to identify him? You said he didn't see his face but did he see a birthmark or a scar?"

Olivia shook her head. "He didn't say anything about that, but I'll talk to him again and see if he left anything out."

"Hold on a second!" Carisi called as he came jogging over. "I just found something that I think you guys will want to see."

They all gathered around Carisi's desk as he played back a section of security footage from outside a convenience store near Hector Aldama's apartment. "I thought that guy looked familiar and I figured out why."

There was no sound and the footage was grainy but the people on the screen were recognizable. Leonard Bianchi and Matt Sanchez exited the convenience store obviously arguing. Bianchi was getting in Sanchez's face and grabbed his arm when the other man tried to walk away. Hector Aldama was walking by and paused when he saw the scene. He could be seen approaching and said something to Sanchez. Bianchi released Sanchez to round on Hector who immediately backed away. At that point they went their separate ways.

Carisi turned to everyone else and gestured to the screen as he said. "This was from one day before Hector Aldama was attacked. We have our connection, guys."

"That won't be enough to hold him," Olivia commented, then she turned to Barba and asked. "But do you think you could get us a warrant for Bianchi's apartment?"

Barba scoffed as he shook his head. "That wouldn't get you a warrant for his doormat. You're going to need to get me more."

"We can't get you more until we search his apartment." Olivia raised an eyebrow at him as she decided to change tactics. "You've gotten us warrants with less before. Are you saying that you've lost your touch?"

"I'm not some suspect that you can manipulate," he replied taking mock offense. "But I'll see if Judge Richter is in a good mood," he relented begrudgingly.

"We all believe in you," Rollins said with a smirk.

Barba rolled his eyes as he headed for the door.


	4. Chapter Three:Secret Admirer

Chapter Three: Secret Admirer

Barba sighed as walked down the hall to his apartment. He had managed to get the warrant for Bianchi's apartment but as far as he knew it hadn't yielded anything yet. He feared that if anything did come of it that it would just be thrown out later. Judge Richter had only signed the warrant to get Barba out of his office.

The judge had been fumbling around with his computer when Barba entered. Richter then signed the warrant while only hearing half of the A.D.A.'s argument as to why they needed the warrant. He didn't know why he was rushed out and he had learned when not to ask too many questions.

When his door came into view he saw a small box in front of it. He approached it cautiously and found that it was a small box of chocolate from a gourmet candy store. A note was taped to the top with his name on it. An unsettling weight dropped into his stomach when he saw it was the same handwriting from the note that had been taped to his door the previous week.

He unlocked the door and opened the note as he entered his apartment. "I've been thinking about you." Barba's jaw clenched as he read the words. His "secret admirer" remained ever elusive. Any attempts he made at investigating who this person was had come up empty. Yet the gifts continued and he felt like the "secret admirer" was mocking him.

He dropped the chocolates into the trashcan and put the note with the other one in his junk drawer. As he pushed the drawer shut his cell phone rang. The sudden sound in his otherwise silent apartment made him jump.

Irritated that he had been startled by the sound, he shoved his hand into his pocket fishing for the phone. The irritation melted away when he looked at the caller ID and saw Delilah's picture.

"Hi, Delilah," he greeted, already shedding the stress from the day.

"Hey, love," she said. Her use of a term of endearment made him blush. "I just wanted to let you know that you left your watch here. I would offer to bring it to you tomorrow but my mom called and I have to go see her."

"I hope everything's okay."

"Yeah, she's a hypochondriac so every so often she'll be convinced that she's dying and will summon the whole family together to say goodbye. If I don't go she'll write me out of her will."

There was a short silence in which Barba didn't know what to say. "I'll come get my watch in the morning then," he said slowly. She was so off-hand about it that he figured she didn't see it as a big deal.

"See you then," she said before hanging up.

The next morning Barba went to Delilah's apartment. He arrived as she was getting ready to leave. "It's on the bookcase," she said as she was putting on her coat.

He walked over and checked each shelf of the bookcase but didn't see his watch. "It's not here."

Delilah frowned in confusion and walked over to look with him. "I put it right there," she said gesturing to an empty spot. "I swear. I put it there yesterday."

They spent ten minutes searching the apartment before Delilah turned to him. "I really have to go," she said apologetically. "I'll let you know if I find it later."

Barba scratched his head in thought. In the amount of time that he had known Delilah he had never observed her being scatterbrained. He wondered how it could have gotten misplaced. "Okay, thanks."

"Sorry. I hope it wasn't a family heirloom or anything." Delilah was hesitating as she moved towards the door, unsure if she should keep looking.

Barba followed her out the door as he assured her. "No, it was just a watch."

"Good. I was afraid you would be pissed at me for losing it." She locked the door as she let out a relieved sigh.

"It's fine. It happens to all of us."

They exited the building together and went their separate ways. Barba frowned deeply as headed to his car. He thought he could hear the sound of footsteps approaching instead of just the click of Delilah's heels receding. A cold chill ran down his spine and he glanced around a bit more frantic than needed. Satisfied that he was just imagining things he pulled out his keys and unlocked his car. As he reached for the door he heard the scuffle of footsteps and spun around quickly. There was still nothing there but the adrenaline pumping through his body caused his hands to shake as he threw open his car door. He got in quickly and locked the doors. He took several deep breaths trying to calm himself.

* * *

Olivia had felt triumphant when Barba had gotten them the warrant but the feeling quickly disappeared when the search of Bianchi's apartment had turned out fruitless. They hadn't found a mask or clothing with the victims' DNA on it. They hadn't even found the same brand of condoms used in the attacks. She wanted to be confident in that Bianchi was the rapist but doubts were beginning to creep in.

There was knock on her office door and Olivia looked up to see Rollins entering. The detective was holding a piece of paper in her hand and hesitantly approached Olivia's desk. "Bianchi's alibi checks out. He was in New Jersey during the time of Hector Aldama's attack." Rollins held out the sheet of paper. It was a photo from a traffic cam in New Jersey showing Bianchi's face very clearly. "He ran a red light on his way to visit his sister."

"Well, that only means that he didn't attack Aldama. He's still a suspect in Sanchez's rape."

"But it's unlikely. I mean, these rapes sound like they were done by the same guy," Rollins said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"We have to keep investigating him until we can rule him out." Olivia tried to sound confident but inside she agreed with Rollins that it was unlikely. She knew instinctually that they were dealing with a serial rapist.

* * *

Two weeks later…

It had been a relatively good day in Barba's opinion. Everything went his way in court, he was able to find time to call his mother, and he felt like things were solid between him and Delilah. Yet as Barba rode the elevator up to his apartment floor he felt anxiety building in his chest like bricks being layered on top of each other.

As he stepped out of the elevator and started down the hall the weight continued to be piled on. When he got to the door and saw no notes or packages he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He opened the door and stepped over the threshold, expecting to have a relaxing evening. Maybe he'd have a drink and finally read that book that he'd bought a couple of months ago.

Barba paused as he let the door swing shut behind him. Something felt off about his apartment. He didn't know what it was that gave him the uneasy feeling; like a word on the tip of his tongue that he couldn't quite capture, but it wasn't going away. He set down his briefcase and started a walkthrough of his apartment. Going from the living room to the kitchen, down the hall to his office to his bathroom, then to his bedroom.

A glint of light reflecting off of an object on his nightstand drew his attention. He slowly approached it holding his breath with the suspense. It was his watch, sunlight reflecting off of the face, sitting on the surface of his nightstand.

The breath he had been holding hissed out from between his lips. Delilah would have told him if she had dropped off his watch. Not to mention she wouldn't have been able to get in without a key. His mind worked acrobatics trying to work out a plausible way for his watch to appear back in his apartment. It was possible Delilah had put it there the last time she was over.

Not wanting to look at the offending timepiece any longer he reached out with one hand and pulled open his nightstand's drawer. With the other hand he pushed the watch in then slammed it shut. Everything that had been feeling so right all day was suddenly and thoroughly tainted. It felt like he was going crazy.

* * *

The victim had called 911 from his apartment just after five in the morning. Olivia and Rollins were waiting at the hospital to talk to him while Fin and Carisi went to the apartment to help CSU. They kept being told that it wouldn't be too much longer before they could talk to the victim but time continued to pass by as they waited.

Finally, a nurse came to escort them to the victim's hospital room. "He's very distressed," she cautioned them. "We held off on sedating him because you said you needed to speak with him, but if you agitate him then we will have to give him something."

Olivia could feel Rollins bristle beside her at the accusing tone. "We'll be careful," Olivia assured the nurse.

When they walked through the door they saw him scrubbing tears from his face in preparation to talk to them. Bruises littered every visible part of his skin but the most prominent one was a deep purple and red bruise around his neck. "Mr. Hernandez," Olivia said gently. "We're from SVU. I'm Olivia and this is Amanda. We're here to talk to you about what happened."

Hernandez's eyes went wide with panic. "No. No, I can't- I can't talk about it."

"That's okay," Rollins assured him. "Can you describe the man who attacked you?"

"No, he was wearing a ski mask." Hernandez took several ragged breaths as he shook his head. "I can't do this."

Olivia held out her hands in a placating manner. "Mr. Hernandez, we need to know anything you can tell us so we can catch whoever did this to you. I need to ask, where did the bruises on your neck come from?"

"When he… when he pulled off my belt…" he trailed off with a shuttering breath. Olivia waited unsure if he was going to continue. "He put it around my neck and… Oh, God… I can't do this. My- my wife is in Oregon on a business trip. She can't know this happened. No one can know. Please, just leave. I don't want to do this."

Olivia and Rollins looked at each other then back at Hernandez. Olivia was afraid that if she pushed he would shut down completely. He was not in a place to be able to talk about his attack yet. "Okay," she said. "We don't have to do this right now." She pulled out her card and handed it to him. "You can call me if you change your mind."

Rollins shook her head when they exited the hospital room. "It's the same guy. There's definitely a serial rapist out there."

Olivia sighed. She didn't want to agree but the evidence couldn't be ignored. "We need to start with checking where Bianchi was last night."

* * *

"Bianchi was at work all night. He was covering a sick coworker's shift," Fin announced as he went to sit down at his desk, having just come back from talking to Bianchi's boss. "They have security footage to prove it."

"So we're back at square one," Rollins commented. "And without Hernandez's cooperation we have no new evidence to go on."

As they all started to going over the evidence from the beginning Carisi was studying the evidence board intently. He was scratching his chin, eyes focused in on something.

"You okay there, Carisi?" Rollins asked as she put a hand on his shoulder. "Smoke is practically coming out of your ears."

"Doesn't Hernandez look a lot like Barba." They all went quiet at his words and he looked around as if just realizing what he had said. "Never mind," he said quickly as he busied himself with straightening a pile of papers on the table.

They all moved on with going over evidence, pretending as if Carisi hadn't pointed out such a disturbing fact, but Olivia couldn't stop thinking about it. She looked up at the pictures of the victims on the board, her eyes drifting to Hernandez's photo. He was around the same age, with the same hair and eye color, and uncanny similarities in bone structure. She hadn't noticed it earlier for some reason that she couldn't account for.

Olivia couldn't help but think that it wouldn't hurt to check in with Barba and see how he was doing.

* * *

"Judge Richter seems to think I have it out for him now," Barba told Olivia as he took a sip of his coffee. "I won't be able to get you anymore search warrants signed by him if he keeps avoiding me like the plague."

"I didn't ask you to meet me for coffee because I want another search warrant."

Barba set down his coffee and leaned forward. "Then why did you want to get coffee?"

Olivia sighed as she looked away. She felt a bit silly checking in on him because a victim bore a resemblance to him. Yet she felt relieved to see Barba sitting in front of her whole and unharmed. "I just wanted to check in, see how you were doing."

His expression softened and he leaned back, tense posture now relaxed. "I'm doing well. How are you doing, Liv?"

She ignored his question instead deciding to try her luck. "Are you still getting those flowers?"

"No," he replied tensing again. He turned to glance out the window suddenly unable or unwilling to meet her eyes. "The flower deliveries have stopped."

Olivia had lifted her coffee to her lips to take a sip but paused at his odd reaction. She set her cup down and frowned at his reply. "Are you… disappointed?"

Barba gave her a wry smile that she couldn't decipher. "No. Although a 'thank you', every once in a while, wouldn't hurt my motivation."

"You are very much appreciated," Olivia said with a smirk.

"That didn't sound very sincere." Barba glanced down at the time on his phone with a frown. "Sorry to cut this short but I have to get going."

Once he left Olivia stayed for a few minutes trying to figure out what Barba's reaction to her question about the flowers had meant. The mixture of emotions on his face had unnerved her. She thought that checking in with him would have alleviated unwarranted worry about her friend but it had only stirred new concerns.

* * *

Barba and Delilah had gone to a Broadway show and then had drinks afterward. He drank a bit more than he had meant to but the intentions of the evening had been to enjoy himself. He wanted to take his mind off of work and his "secret admirer". He had wanted to forget the conversation with Olivia the other day in which she brought up the flowers. He wanted to get rid of his stresses for one night even if it meant that he stumbled a bit as he walked down the hall to his apartment.

"Keep it down out there!" he heard Mrs. Talbot shriek from behind the door of her apartment.

Barba rolled his eyes and swallowed down the retort on the tip of his tongue. He was not inebriated enough to start a fight with the old hag. He made it to the door and fumbled a bit with the key. Once the door opened (it seemed a bit too easy considering his impaired motor skills) he sighed with relief and took too big of a step over the threshold, letting the door swing shut behind him.

He slipped off the bowtie that he had already untied earlier in the evening as he made for the couch. Maybe he would sleep there since he lacked the energy to make it to his bed. He had just sat down when he felt a sharp blow to the side of his head and everything went black.


	5. Chapter Four:Lost Sanctuary

Chapter Four: Lost Sanctuary

Barba's whole being felt raw, his mind, body, and soul. It was like his whole outer layer had been removed leaving nerve endings exposed and sensitive. The masked man had stayed the whole night, never sleeping, but taking breaks from torturing him to taste of Barba's collection of alcohol. The man had finally left at 4:43 in the morning stopping to remove the belt he had wrapped around Barba's neck. He threaded it through his belt loops with a grin that showed his shockingly white teeth. "My new favorite belt," he said in a gruff voice.

The restraints that the masked man had used to tie his hands at the beginning of the attack had been removed about half way through but Barba still felt like there was something holding him in place. His limbs refused to move even though he knew the faster he called for help the more likely the man would be caught.

He shakily forced himself to move and sit up on his bed. Halfway through the movement he paused, transfixed by the bloodstains on his sheets. He reached out to touch them with his fingertips. Most of them were dried but there was one or two that were fresh, the bright red, stark against the white sheet. His stomach churned as he studied the sight.

Barba tore his eyes away and finished sitting up. He got to his feet but as soon as he put weight on his legs they wobbled beneath him. His legs gave out and he crumpled to the floor. He didn't cry out, only breathed heavily from the force with which he met the floor.

Using his nightstand for support and with much effort he managed to get to his feet again. He stood upright using the wall for support and carefully moved along it to get to where his phone was still in the pocket of his discarded pants.

When he got close enough he sat down on the floor and pulled his pants closer to get to his phone. He unlocked the screen and saw that it read: 4:51. Calling 911 was his first priority but his fingers seemingly of their own will dialed Olivia's number.

The phone rang four times before she answered. "Hello, this is Benson," she said groggily.

"Liv, I… I need help," his voice sounded hoarse, as raw as the rest of him felt.

"Barba?" She suddenly sounded more awake and he could hear the creak of her bed as she sat up. "Are you okay?"

"Not really," he replied. His voice sounded too calm in contrast to his trembling hands. "I was attacked."

"Okay," Olivia in a voice full of forced calm. "Are you safe at the moment?"

"Yes. He left."

"I'm going to get you back up and an ambulance. Just stay where you are. I'll be right there."

"No," Barba suddenly gasped out. "Don't- don't call anyone else." He couldn't let anyone else see him like this. If other cops saw him like this they would never respect him again.

"Rafael," Olivia's voice was firm with no room for argument. "You need an ambulance and you need cops out there to search the area for the suspect. I will be there as soon as possible. Please, just stay where you are. Do you understand?"

Barba held his breath for a moment trying to hold it together for just a little while longer. It wouldn't do for him to be hysterical once back up started to arrive. He let out a shaky sigh as he replied. "Yes, Liv, I understand."

After he hung up he rested his head back against the wall. The pressure against the area where the assailant had hit him caused him to suck in a sharp breath in pain. His eyes closed in exasperation. If he hadn't been drinking he may have been able to better fight back, or maybe he would have noticed how easily the door opened, or heard the masked man sneak up on him before he got knocked out. The thought that this was all his fault filled his mind to the brim until that was all he could think about.

* * *

 _When Barba woke up his arms felt strange, as if they had fallen asleep and he wondered if he had slept on the couch in a weird position. His eyes fluttered open and it took ten seconds to evaluate the situation. One: His hands were tied above his head to the headboard of his bed. Two: There was a gag in his mouth. Three: He was not wearing any clothes. Four: There was a man in a ski mask watching him from the doorway._

 _As soon as he processed what was happening Barba started flailing trying to get his hands loose. The man in the ski mask started to approach only making Barba struggle more frantically against his bonds. He couldn't feel anything except for panic consuming him from the inside out._

 _The man in the ski mask climbed onto the bed and straddled him across his thighs. The panic dissolved to be replaced by paralyzing terror and Barba felt like ice had been dumped over his insides. The man slowly pulled off his belt, making sure that Barba saw every movement, then put it around the A.D.A.'s neck. The dark chuckle that came from the masked man caused Barba to shiver. He knew what was going to happen. He had read the accounts from the investigation. Everything that was happening rang warning bells of familiarity from those statements made by the victims._

 _The man pulled hard on the belt, closing off Barba's windpipe. Barba struggled to take in wheezing breaths but the gag only impeded what little gasps of oxygen he tried to get. His attacker didn't let up. Darkness crept in at the edges of his vision until it overtook him._

* * *

When he heard the sirens Barba cringed. He gathered what strength he could to stand up and stagger over to his dresser. He wanted to retain what bit of his dignity that he could. He pulled on some pajama pants and an undershirt. The thin fabric felt like a shield covering his vulnerable state. Even though he felt the growing need to take a shower, cleanse himself of the feeling that the masked man was still on him, the clothing did help a little.

There was a sharp, demanding knock on his apartment door then moments later he heard it bang open. After that everything was a blur. Police came into his apartment and started questioning him and searching for the suspect. Their voices sounded like a low buzz. He must have replied to their questions satisfactorily because they nodded with serious expressions.

Paramedics insisted on putting him on a gurney, which he couldn't find the strength to protest, just as Olivia arrived. She reached out to take his hand as she said something to one of the paramedics. Their voices continued to sound like a low buzz. He must have gripped her hand too tightly because she cringed before giving him a sad smile. He was thankful that it wasn't pitying. He would not have been able to take it if she pitied him.

* * *

Olivia waited outside of the room after Barba turned down her offer to stay with him while they did the rape kit. She wondered if it always took this long. Each minute that passed felt like hours.

She hadn't known when she got to his apartment what exactly had transpired. Part of her wondered when she was running around trying to get to him as quickly as she could. The feeling of dread grew until she saw the apartment, saw him. When she saw the bruise around his neck she knew it was the same attacker from the previous rapes.

Guilt settled heavy in her stomach, like a rock sinking to the bottom of a river. It wasn't her fault, but she felt like she should have done more to protect him. She had checked in with him, but she had failed, she hadn't done enough.

As the nurse approached Olivia stood straighter and met her half way. "We finished the rape kit. Mr. Barba said that he is ready to see you."

Olivia nodded. "Thanks," she breathed out more than said. She walked over to the room and knocked before slowly opening the door. "Barba?" He was already dressed in the jeans and polo shirt she had brought for him and was putting on his shoes. "Did a doctor clear you?" she asked trying to keep her voice neutral.

"Not exactly," he admitted. "But they told me that my most severe injury is a couple of bruised ribs. I figured that I should be fine."

"Since when did you go to medical school?"

"It's my body, I think I can decide when to leave. Or are you going to handcuff me to the bed?" His voice was sharp, cutting like a knife. Olivia physically took a step back but was unable to avoid their edge.

She took a deep breath. "I just want to make sure that you leaving isn't going to do you more harm than good."

Barba visibly deflated as he glanced up at her with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I know that you're just concerned."

"Look, Barba, we can do this later if you want but you have to give your statement about what happened. I figured that you'd want to talk to someone you trust instead of another detective."

"Yeah," he agreed as he looked away from her. "Might as well get it over with now."

Olivia stepped closer to the bed. "You can start whenever you're ready," she said gently.

"I got home late from a date with Delilah. I had a bit too much to drink. I think that the door was already unlocked when I went into my apartment. I sat down on my couch and closed my eyes for a moment. Then I was hit in the head from behind. When I woke up I was restrained. My hands were tied to the head board and there was a gag in my mouth." He didn't pause or hesitate while telling his story. He spoke in a monotone voice with little inflection. Olivia was concerned by the lack of emotion he was showing. "He raped me multiple times and forced me to perform oral sex on him. He didn't use a condom. He would beat or choke me if I fought back. He didn't leave until a quarter before five in the morning. As soon as he was gone I found my phone and called you."

Olivia let out a shaky breath feeling as if they had switched roles because he was the calm one while she was the one having to struggle to hold it together. "Okay. Can you describe the suspect?"

"He was white, probably in his early thirties, no birthmarks or scars that I could see. I think he had dark hair from what I could see through the mask but I can't be sure."

"Alright, I think that's it." Olivia paused for a minute before asking. "Do you have somewhere to stay? If not you're always welcome-"

"I'm sure I can stay with Delilah," he said cutting her off. "But thanks, Liv."

Olivia nodded with a grimace on her face. He had told her a little bit about his girlfriend since they had started dating. From what Barba had told her she sounded like an okay person. Yet she was concerned about how the other woman would react to the situation. She felt protective of Barba and didn't want him get hurt by careless words from someone he seemed to care a lot about.

Barba stood from the bed and started toward the door. "I need to go check myself out."

"Wait a second," she said suddenly. He flinched and she continued a bit softer. "I was wondering if you wanted to make an appointment with my therapist, or I could get you a recommendation from him if you want." She remembered the detachment she had observed from him when he was giving his statement. She couldn't not try to get him some help after such a traumatic event.

Barba paused and he crossed his arms over his chest, closing himself off. "Let me think about it. I'll let you know."

Olivia watched him walk out of the room as she wondered if she should have pushed. She shook her head, ashamed at the thought. It would have only done more damage, pushed him away if she had pressed the issue. He still needed to process, then maybe he might be willing to seek some therapy to deal with the aftermath. She of all people should know how dealing with trauma works.


	6. Chapter Five:Confronting Reality

A/N: Sorry I didn't post yesterday I was very busy getting some last minute things for my Halloween costume together and finishing up a paper for one of my classes. I appreciate all of you guys, so thanks for reading and reviewing. And Happy Halloween to everyone who celebrates it!

* * *

Chapter Five: Confronting Reality

Barba laid in Delilah's bed staring up at the ceiling. She had been horrified when he told her he had been attacked, but after the initial shock she had been supportive. She had said all the right things; didn't pry into the details but showed enough concern. It was comforting that she knew what to do and say. Yet, even though she was perfect with everything, as he was lying next to her in bed he felt like he was suffocating.

Every time she brushed against him he was startled. Tension coiled tighter and tighter inside him like a spring. He finally threw back the covers and crept from the room, careful not to wake his girlfriend.

Barba laid on her couch with the throw blanket pulled over him. It wasn't as comfortable as the bed but he could feel the tension slowly dissipating. When he closed his eyes he thought he might be able to get some sleep. Yet, even behind his eyelids he found no respite. It seemed the masked man lurked behind every corner including his mind.

At first, when help had arrived, it seemed like he could pretend it hadn't happened to him. He could make himself believe that when he was recounting the events he was talking about a victim, because he could not be a victim. But now, here, alone in the dark, it became more difficult to pretend.

Barba curled up on his side and pulled the blanket up to his chin. His breathing came in harsh gasps as he tried to calm himself. If he could get through the attack he could make through the recovery. That was what Olivia always told the victims.

* * *

The next day Delilah made him call in sick. Barba stayed at her apartment and he could feel himself slowly going stir crazy. He tried to let the TV distract him but nothing could hold his attention. No matter how loud he turned up the volume he kept hearing little sounds that would start his heart racing and he started to think that someone had sneaked in.

Over dinner Barba told Delilah. "I'm going back to work tomorrow."

She looked at him with concern. "Are you sure? You're still recovering and you haven't even made an appointment to see a therapist yet."

"I can't sit here doing nothing," he said through clenched teeth. "It's driving me crazy."

They were both quiet for a long moment and Delilah chewed on her bottom lip uncertainly. Barba pushed around the food on his plate. He had lost his appetite but knew putting up his plate with so much food left would only make his girlfriend worry more.

"Rafael," Delilah finally said with a sigh. "I can't stop you from going back to work so soon. I just- I wish that you would take a bit more time off."

"I'm not going right back into court," he admitted, hoping to calm her worries a bit. "I'm just going to my office to look over some cases."

She looked slightly relieved but she still shot him a concerned glance when she thought he wasn't looking.

* * *

When he went into his office he got more than a few shocked looks. Covering up the bruises on his face and neck was more of a challenge than he had predicted.

"Oh my God," he heard his secretary breathe out before she could catch herself. Barba ignored it and pointedly gave her his usual morning greeting before locking himself in his office.

He was making a huge effort to act like it was any other day at the office, but he was failing miserably. Each person he passed now knew something had happened. If they did enough asking around they would find out. The fact that an A.D.A. had been raped was news. It would be gossiped about and soon enough everyone would know. He tried not to think about it. This was supposed to be another day at the office. Pretending everything was okay was quickly becoming his new favorite game and he would keep playing it until it became true.

It took two hours for him to realize Delilah had been right. It was too soon for him to be back at work. He had learned a long time ago how despicable human beings could be. It had stopped being such a surprise to have horrific cases of child abuse, murder, and sexual assault come across his desk. He had learned how to separate himself while still being sympathetic to the victims. Separating himself, something that he had made second nature, was suddenly much more of a struggle. The lines were blurring.

Barba packed up and left the office, barely stopping to tell his secretary that he was leaving early. He was on automatic and wasn't sure where he was going. He just knew couldn't stay there and he couldn't go back to Delilah's apartment.

* * *

Barba ended up walking into SVU. It was only once almost everyone stopped to stare at him that he realized he had made a mistake in coming there. He was so used to going there, it was the second most familiar place after his office.

He started toward Olivia's office, the only safe place left for him. It was away from prying eyes where he could be with a familiar and empathetic ear. As he made for the door, keeping himself from looking around at all of the curious glances, he heard Carisi softly call to him. "Counselor,-"

"Not now, Carisi," he said more harshly than he meant to. "I need to talk to Liv." He kept walking refusing to look back at the kicked puppy look that the detective surely had.

Barba entered Liv's office without knocking and let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Olivia looked up from her computer at the sound of the door opening and closing quickly. "Sorry," Barba muttered.

Olivia frowned in worry. "Is something wrong? What do you need?"

He bristled at the coddling tone in her voice. Normally, he thought it must be comforting to the victims when she used her compassionate voice but now it felt patronizing. He hated the soft, calming tone. To him it implied that he couldn't handle the realities of his situation.

Barba made a conscious effort to keep his voice even as he opened his mouth to reply, but then he realized that he didn't know why he was there. It had just been second nature to come down there, even without a reason. "I wanted to…" he started as he thought quickly. "I- I wanted to find out if I could get some things from my apartment. I need some clothes."

"CSU should be done going through soon but I can send an officer to go with you if you need anything today."

"Yeah, yeah I do." It was true, now that he thought about it, he didn't have anything to wear the next day.

Olivia hesitated for a moment before asking. "How are you doing?"

Barba cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I'm doing as well as can be expected," he said slowly, deciding that a non-answer was his best course of action. "I'm going to go wait by the elevator for that officer."

"Oh, okay." She seemed thrown by him brushing her off.

* * *

Barba stood by the elevator his arms crossed across his chest. He felt like everyone who passed by must be watching him even if he logically knew that they probably hadn't even noticed him. He regretted not just waiting in Olivia's office even with her asking how he was.

"Mr. Barba," Barba looked up to see Darner had stopped in front of him on his way out. "Oh, wow. You look like you've been through the ringer."

Barba crossed his arms a bit tighter as if he were hugging himself. The observation stung and he wished that Darner had just pretended as if he hadn't noticed the bruises. "I was mugged," he lied easily.

"I was mugged once," Darner said thoughtfully. "I didn't come out the other side as bad as you did though." As he went to scratch his chin Barba noticed a bandage wrapped around his hand.

 _The masked man had been there for over two hours. Barba had lost hope than anyone would rescue him. It scared him how quickly hope had drained out of him. His attacker reached forward and slowly untied the gag. "If you scream I'll kill you," he said gruffly as he lightly tugged on the belt still around Barba's neck. He pulled the gag out of Barba's mouth and tossed it on to the bedside table. He paused to run the pad of his thumb over his captive's bottom lip._

 _Barba blinked hard and he felt hot tears trail down his cheeks. The feeling seemed to startle him into action. He bit down hard on the masked man's hand._

"What happened to your hand?" Barba asked before biting down hard on his bottom lip. His hands were shaking and he was thankful that it wasn't visible with his arms crossed.

Darner looked down at his hand as if he had just noticed the injury. "Oh, it's a dog bite. Yeah, mangy thing was a real _bitch_."

" _You bitch!" the attacker cried out as he yanked his hand back. He slapped Barba hard across the face with his injured hand. "You fucking bitch. You're lucky that I like you." He curled his hand into a fist, blood dripping down his knuckles, and punched him hard in the side of the face._

Barba stumbled backward at the choice of word feeling like gravity had suddenly increased exponentially. He wasn't sure if he would be able to stay on his feet. "What did you say?" he asked weakly.

Darner didn't bother to repeat himself and simply grinned at him with too white teeth. "See you later, Rafael," he said rolling his "r" in a very pronounced fashion as he said Barba's name. As he walked away he ran his fingers along his belt and glanced up again to wink at Barba after stepping into the elevator.

When the elevator doors closed Barba rushed back into the squad room, nearly tripping over his feet in the process. He was moving so fast he couldn't stop before running straight into someone else. He looked up to find that it was Carisi.

"Whoa!" Carisi exclaimed as tried to steady the shorter man. "You okay there?"

"I need to see, Liv," Barba gasped out. His heart and lungs were acting as if he had just run a marathon: gasping for air, heart beating erratically. "I need to tell her-"

Carisi quickly noticed the A.D.A.'s distress and guided him toward Liv's office. When they entered, Olivia was on the phone. She quickly ended the call at the sight of them. "I've got to go. I'll call you later." She hung up and looked between the two of them, searching for a cue as to who to ask about what had happened. "What's going on?" she asked, directing her question at Carisi. The detective shrugged helplessly and she turned to Barba.

Barba pulled off his tie, suddenly feeling like it was much too tight. He worked hard to reign in his emotions, trying to hold everything together just enough to tell Liv what had happened. "I know who attacked me," he stated.

"What?" Carisi said in shock while Olivia asked: "Who?"

"Cameron Darner."

"How do you know this?" Olivia asked trying figure out what could have revealed this to Barba in the two minutes since he had left her office.

"I…" he swallowed hard, feeling like he was going to be sick. "I ran into him by the elevator. I bit my attacker and he had a bite on his hand. He said it was a dog bite but he said that the dog was a 'mangy bitch'. When I bit my attacker he called me a bitch." Olivia and Carisi looked at each other and Barba could sense their skepticism. "He- he ran his fingers along his belt, the same belt he used to choke me, and he winked at me." Barba's voice cracked at the end and he felt disgusted with himself at the desperation in his voice. They weren't going to believe him and he would just have to live the rest of his life risking crossing paths with the man who raped him. The thought made him feel even sicker than he already did. He looked up at Olivia and Carisi expecting to see disbelief, possibly pity, but instead saw righteous anger. He let out a shaky breath feeling relieved that they were taking his accusation seriously.

Olivia addressed Carisi in a forcibly calm voice. "I think you and Rollins need to go pay Mr. Darner a visit."

* * *

Carisi glared up at the building that held Darner's law office as Rollins parked. He respected Barba, saw him as a mentor. He wanted to kill the guy who would hurt and humiliate Barba in such a horrible way. When he made to open his door Rollins put a hand on his arm to stop him. "What?" he snapped.

Rollins pulled her hand away and gave him a stern look. "You need to calm down before we go in there. I know you have this hero worship thing for Barba and that you think a lot of him. We all think that what happened to him is terrible but we can't run in there letting our emotions get the better of us. We have to handle this the right way or we could mess this up."

"I know," Carisi sighed. "I know. It's just… You didn't see him. The way he looked when he came running back into the squad room. I'd never seen him look so vulnerable. It was like- Look, when I was a kid my dad never cried, not once. He was this rock and he'd never let anyone see him break. Then when my grandma died, at the funeral, I saw him cry. It was scary seeing him like that. That's what it was like when I saw Barba. It was scary."

"I get it," Rollins said with a nod. She patted his arm and then glared up at the building. "Let's go get this guy."


	7. Chapter Six:Visitors

A/N: Hey, everyone, I was nervous about this chapter so I would appreciate any feedback, whether you liked it or have suggestions of what I could do better in future chapters. Thank you for reading and to everyone who reviews.

Chapter Six: Visitors

When they got up to Darner's floor, Carisi took a deep breath and tried to look as pleasant as possible. He didn't protest when Rollins took the lead. She approached the secretary with a pleasant smile. "Hi, we're here to see Mr. Darner."

"Do you have an appointment?" the secretary asked in a nasally, high-pitched voice as she flipped her sleek black hair over her shoulder.

"No, honey, we don't," Rollins replied, her southern accent becoming a bit more pronounced. "We're NYPD detectives and we just needed to ask him some questions." Carisi got the hint and presented his badge in unison with her.

The secretary didn't seem fazed by the presentation. In fact, she subtly rolled her eyes as she used the intercom to call into Darner's office. "Mr. Darner, there are some cops here who want to talk to you. Should I tell them to make an appointment?"

"No, it's okay, Harper," came Darner's tinny voice through the speaker. "Go ahead and send them in." Harper sighed and silently gestured for them to go ahead as if speaking to them wasn't worth her time.

"Well, she was lovely," Rollins commented sarcastically without bothering to lower her voice.

As they entered the office Darner stood from his desk to greet them. "Good afternoon, Detectives."

"Mr. Darner," Rollins greeted in return. Carisi stayed by the door, thinking it best to hold his tongue for the moment.

Darner smiled as if a good friend had just surprised him for lunch instead of detectives he barely knew showing up for an unknown reason. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Carisi's jaw clenched at what he perceived to be an arrogant smirk and casual tone.

"We just wanted to ask you some questions," Rollins replied nonchalantly.

Darner kept his friendly smile on his face but his eyes had gone cold. "Do I need a lawyer?" he asked with a chuckle.

She smiled back and answered in a cheerful voice. "Not unless you think you do. Where were you two nights ago after eleven?"

"I was at home getting ready for bed."

"Is there anyone that can corroborate that?"

"No. I was alone." The smile had left his face and he was now frowning in confusion. "What is this all about?" his tone sounded indignant and defensive.

Carisi stepped forward and finally jumped into the interaction. "A.D.A. Barba was attacked two nights ago in his apartment."

"He told me he was mugged," Darner countered as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Carisi ignored Darner's statement and continued. "And we have reason to believe that you assaulted him."

Darner shook his head in disbelief. "I would never hurt Mr. Barba. I like him. He's a good guy and a great prosecutor. I respect the hell out of him."

Carisi felt his confidence falter at the sincerity in the lawyer's voice. Their evidence was almost nonexistent. If Barba had misunderstood; if the accusation had been a product of Barba's trauma, then they had come bursting into an innocent man's office accusing him of horrible actions based on nothing.

"Then you wouldn't mind volunteering to give us some DNA so that we can rule you out," Rollins jumped in at Carisi's hesitation holding out a swab to take saliva.

Darner silently took the swab and gave them a saliva sample. "I'll be waiting for an apology once you run that and find out it wasn't me."

Rollins and Carisi headed for the door and as they left Darner called after them. "And I do hope you catch the right guy."

* * *

In the days that they were waiting for the DNA results to come back Barba was told that he could go back to his apartment. Delilah had tried to insist that she come with him the first time he was going back after the attack but he turned her down. It wasn't something that he wanted to do alone, but he did not know how he would be feeling when he entered the apartment. The idea of having Delilah watching him, waiting for him to break would only make the whole ordeal more difficult.

When Barba entered his apartment he did not know what to expect from himself. He saw the couch he had been sitting on when he had been knocked out and felt his chest constrict painfully, he knew he would have to move. Staying there where he would be bombarded with memories of his attack was not an option. He started toward his bedroom, his steps slowing as he got closer to the door. He got as far as placing his hand on the doorknob then stepped back. His breathing was erratic as he fought off memories of being tortured in his own home. This wasn't something he could do. He couldn't go back into that room after everything that happened to him there.

That night Barba stayed at a hotel.

The next day he bought several boxes to start packing up his apartment. He didn't want to waste any time getting out of there. The sooner he could move and be done with the place the better.

"Thank you for the help, Harold," Barba said as the doorman leaned several collapsed boxes against the wall just inside the apartment.

"It was no trouble at all, Mr. Barba," Harold replied. "I want you to know that I told the police everything that I knew and the owner of the building gave them full access to security tapes. I'm so sorry about what happened."

Barba held up a hand to stop him. "I understand. Thank you." This was not a conversation he wanted to be having with a doorman he barely knew.

"I know that I will miss seeing you around here," Harold said before he went to leave.

"Thanks again, Harold." The awkward conversation left Barba feeling more certain that he wanted to get out of there sooner rather than later.

Barba started with the kitchen. He wrapped up the dishes and cups in towels and bubble wrap to ensure that they would survive the trip into storage and then eventually to his new apartment. Pots and pans were packed carefully so that they wouldn't shift and clatter around during travel.

If he was able to keep his focus on the tasks at hand he could get through it. Every once in a while, as he moved through the kitchen his gaze would shift to the couch in the living room or the mouth of the short hallway that led to his bedroom. In these moments he would stand frozen but with great effort he wrenched his focus back to packing. "Finish and get out," he told himself.

When he moved to start on the drawers he paused upon opening the junk drawer. The notes were gone, having already been handed over to the police, but he remembered where they had been. He remembered how it had felt when he crumpled them in frustration. He pulled out the drawer and dumped it on the table to start sorting the contents into "trash" and "keep" piles.

By the time Barba finished with the kitchen it was after lunch time. He had been so focused that he hadn't even noticed the time. A late lunch was a good reason to take a much needed break. He picked up his phone from where he had left it on the counter as he got ready to go out for some food. The screen lit up to alert him to several missed calls. All of them were from his mother.

Barba sighed deeply as he remembered that they had arranged to have lunch together. It had been set up before his attack and he had forgotten to cancel. He sat heavily on one of his kitchen chairs wondering how he would apologize, what excuse he would use for standing her up. Then Harold called up telling him that he had a visitor.

Barba hesitated upon opening the door for his mom. The bruises on his face and his neck hadn't fully healed. They had started to turn a sickly green and yellow color at the edges, though most of them hadn't made it through the dark purple stage yet. He didn't want to talk to her in the apartment but everything was happening so fast he didn't have time to think. He closed his eyes for a moment to prepare himself, but they shot back open at the insistent knocking from outside the door.

When he opened the door there was gasp from his mother. "Rafi! What happened to you?"

"I'm fine, Mamí. I got mugged a couple of days ago," he said calmly, although he felt like his heart was going a mile a minute. "It's just a few bruises."

Lucia had stepped into the apartment and was examining his face closely. "This doesn't look like it's just from a mugging. Dios mio." She stepped back after a moment and asked him. "Is this why you didn't show up for lunch?"

"I'm sorry. I got distracted and completely forgot. We can still go out if you want?" he asked thinking quickly.

"You got distracted with packing?" she asked having noticed the boxes. "You didn't tell me you were moving. What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on. I just wanted to move." He wished she would let it go, but he knew she wouldn't. He never got away with anything when he was growing up, why would he as an adult?

"I'm your mother, Rafi. Do you think I can't tell when you're hiding something?" Lucia walked further into the apartment to set her purse on the coffee table. "I guess I'll just wait until you're ready to tell me." She sat down on the couch with an exasperated sigh as she crossed her arms.

Barba felt his stomach churn when he realized she was sitting where he had been sitting when the whole nightmare had begun. "You can't sit there," he barked out more harshly than he had intended.

Lucia sat up straighter but didn't vacate her seat. "Why not?" she asked, glancing around in confusion.

"It's not- You can't-" He was at a loss for reasoning. His heart was beating so hard he was afraid it was going to tear out of his chest. Frustrated tears built behind his eyes, blurring his vision, and a foggy hallucination of the masked man, Darner, appeared at the mouth of the hallway. Panic stuck in his throat choking him. He didn't want his mother to see him in such a state. "Get the hell out!" he gasped out in a strangled voice. That wasn't what he meant to say. The words echoed around him in the silent apartment. His mother looked at him like he had slapped her and he thought he was going to be sick.

Lucia slowly stood from the couch and walked toward him with purposeful steps. "Tell me what is going on, right now, Rafael," she ordered in a firm voice. "You are scaring me."

Barba let out a shaky breath and rubbed a hand over his face. His hand came away wet and he wasn't sure if it was from tears he hadn't felt fall or the cold sweat that had formed on his forehead and above his upper lip. "Please, stop asking me," he pleaded.

"Por que? Why can't you tell me?" She looked worried for him, desperate to understand.

This was exactly what Barba hadn't wanted. He didn't want his mother to be so worried about him. It was supposed to be his turn to take care of her after all the years growing up she had done so much for him. "Mamí, I don't want you to worry about me. You did enough of that when I was child."

Lucia gently took his face in both of her hands to force him to meet her gaze. "Mijo, yo soy la mamá. Siempre serás mi bebe. I have never stopped worrying about you."

He took her hands in his shakily and lowered them. She wasn't going to stop until he told her. Resignedly, he pressed his eyes shut for a moment and then opened them ready to tell her. Shame coated his mouth making it difficult to speak but he was determined to get the words out. "I… I was raped. He broke in and attacked me. That's why I'm moving, and that's why I forgot about our lunch today."

She hugged him close to her so tightly it hurt but he didn't say anything for fear that she would release him. As she held him she said in slightly choked voice. "We're going to go get you something to eat and then I'm going to help you finish packing."

Barba closed his eyes in relief. "Thank you," he breathed out.

* * *

Translations in order: "My God.", "Why?", "My son, I am the mom. You will always be my baby."

(Special thanks to my mom for the translations)


	8. Chapter Seven:Imminent Threat

A/N: Sorry that I didn't update last week. I was working on a Psychology paper that ended up being more time consuming than I had anticipated and threw off my writing schedule. I am currently trying to get back on track but updates may be a little sporadic for at least the next couple weeks as I have more papers to turn in for school and finals coming up quickly. I appreciate all of my readers and reviewers and thank you for your patience.

* * *

Chapter Seven: Imminent Threat

Olivia stood in her office, phone to her ear as she listened to the ringing waiting for Barba to pick up. The DNA results had come back. She hesitated in calling Barba right away, so waited until she had gotten the call from Carisi that they had arrested Darner and were bringing him in.

"Liv?" Barba answered his phone in a groggy voice.

"Did I wake you?" she asked with concern.

"It's fine. I was just taking a nap."

Olivia felt bad for waking him, knowing how rare a restful sleep was after a trauma like the one he suffered. "I wanted to let you know that the DNA results came back. It matched Darner and we just arrested him." As if on cue Darner was marched through to interrogation and right past her office. She saw through the window that the defense attorney looked almost bored. When he glanced her way with a small smirk, more like a quirk of his lips, she shut the blinds.

"Good. That's good," Barba replied to the news. His voice sounded distracted as if he was trying to work out if it was indeed good news.

"I'll let you if we get anything out of him in interrogation. Hopefully, he'll confess to the other rapes and we can be done with this." Olivia was trying to give him some semblance of hope to hold onto but as the words came out of her mouth she realized how flimsy it was.

Barba laughed wryly. "Is it ever that easy?"

"Wishful thinking," she admitted with a grimace that he couldn't see.

There was a short hesitant silence before he spoke again. "I know that this is only the first half of the battle but thank you, Liv, for everything."

Olivia didn't know what to say. This was not a situation she ever expected any of them to be in. "Take care of yourself," was all she could think of to say.

"You too."

They hung up and Olivia sighed heavily as she crossed her arms across her chest. She had already decided that she would be the one to interrogate Darner but now she was second guessing herself. She was afraid if she was alone in a room with him that she would do something she wouldn't be able to undo.

Darner not leaving any DNA until Barba was not an accident. It concerned her that he seemed to have some longer plan that they couldn't yet work out. If she could keep her emotions at arm's length while interrogating him she might be able to get some clue.

* * *

Olivia walked into the room careful to keep her expression blank. Silently, she laid out photos of Aldama, Sanchez, and Hernandez. She watched him for a reaction but he gave nothing notable. Darner leaned forward to glance at the photos but seemed only annoyed at what he saw as an inconvenience.

"What's all of this?" he asked sounding bored.

"These are all men that you raped in their homes," she stated mildly as she sat down across from him. It was a fight to keep the anger and outrage out of her voice but she didn't want to spook him into silence.

Darner shook his head in disbelief. "First you accuse me of raping an ADA and now all of these men too. Your whole unit is crazy. I do not know any of these men. And anyone that I have had sex with has _enthusiastically_ consented."

"So, if I brought in all of these men in," Olivia gestured to the photos. "For a voice identification they wouldn't pick your voice out?"

He leaned back in his seat obviously resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "No, they wouldn't."

"Okay," she said calmly also leaning back in her seat as if they were having a friendly conversation. "Let's say that I am wrong and you never came anywhere near these men." She collected the photos and put them back in the file. "Then how did your DNA get on ADA Barba?"

Darner leaned forward, calm expression replaced by fury. "I don't know," he said forcefully. "Why don't you ask him or your detectives who came into my office and harassed me, or the lab that has made innumerable mistakes in the past. All I know is that I did not rape Mr. Barba."

"Are you trying to say that we all planned this elaborate scheme to frame you?" Olivia asked with a disbelieving laugh.

His eyes narrowed and his lip curled in disgust as he refused to break eye contact with her. "I think we're done talking. I would like to exercise my right to remain silent."

* * *

Olivia closed the blinds in her office to give herself some privacy. She went to bring her fist down hard on her desk but slowed her hand enough that she just rested it on the wooden surface. She was frustrated and angry that she couldn't get anything out of Darner. All she wanted was for Barba to not have to go through the whole mess.

Darner was going to fight them tooth and nail every step of the way. He was going to make this as painful as possible for Barba. Olivia was determined to fight back even harder and ensure that Barba knew that they would all be there for him.

* * *

Barba considered going to the arraignment. He didn't truly think it was a good idea but he did believe it was necessary if he wanted to know what was going on without any censoring to "spare his feelings". He wanted to know exactly what Darner was saying and doing every step of the way. It was torture to feel so out of control. He was used to being there in the courtroom calling out objections and making motions.

"I don't think you should go to the arraignment," Delilah told him firmly as they did the dishes together after dinner. "It would only hinder the healing process for you."

"And seeing him during the actual trial is going to do so much for my mental health," he said sarcastically as he glared at the pan that he was scrubbing harder than necessary.

She reached over and put her hand on his to stall his movements. Barba looked up to see that her expression had softened. "I just don't want you to get ahead of yourself. Right now you still have time before you have to actually go into court and deal with seeing him again. Take this time to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally."

Barba felt like her reasoning made sense and he nodded in agreement. As he rinsed and handed her the pan he suddenly felt much more exhausted than he had moments ago. At this time, he could put off the imminent storm. Why run towards it when it would arrive soon enough?

* * *

Olivia hated that she had to be the one to recount to Barba the farce that was the arraignment. She felt sick just thinking about it. Barba let her into the apartment and they sat down on the couch to talk. He didn't look as bad as she thought he would at this point which only made her feel worse for having to drop the bad news in his lap. The bruises on his face and neck were healing nicely. His demeanor, while not carefree, wasn't as weary as it had been.

"I need to tell you about the arraignment," she said wanting to rip off the band-aid.

Barba sighed as he looked down and away from her. The weariness had returned. "This doesn't sound good."

"Unfortunately, it isn't."

"Was there a low bail set?" he asked in monotone.

Olivia hated the emotionless mask that he put on. It concerned her to see the same defense mechanism put in place as after the attack. "Yes. It seemed like he and the judge knew each other. He'll probably be out by this evening." She paused unwilling to continue but knowing that it would be better to hear it from her. "That's not all."

Barba looked up at her expectantly. "What else?" He was bracing himself but Olivia worried that no matter what it would be an unexpected blow.

"Darner is saying that it was consensual." As she spoke Olivia could see the memory of Darner, hear him sounding so smug as he defended himself.

" _This is all just a scorned lover's pathetic attempt to get back at me," he insisted with a shake of his head. "I honestly don't even know how this all got so far."_

 _Olivia could feel herself shaking with fury as she sat in the gallery watching. She didn't even hear the prosecutor's reply over the blood roaring in her ears._

Barba looked at her searchingly for a moment as if he was trying to tell if this was a bad joke. When he saw no twinkling of mischief in her expression he buried his face in his hands. Olivia placed a gentle hand on his back, doing her best to comfort him. Then she heard what she at first thought was a sob. It took her a moment to realize that it was laughter. His whole body shook with it. Barba lifted his head and she could see that his face was twisted with distress but laughter was bubbling out of him uncontrollably.

"This is wrong. This is very wrong," he muttered as the laughter died down. "Why would I consent to something like that?"

Olivia took his hand and squeezed it to get his attention. When he met her eyes she told him, "When the jury sees your injuries and hears your side of it there is no way they won't convict him."

Barba gave her a sad, crooked smile. "You forget that I know exactly how this works, Liv. You can't make any guarantees. We've seen these sorts of cases take bad turns. All it takes is one slip up or one misconstrued piece of evidence for it to all go to hell."

She wanted to insist that it would all turn out okay but that would be a lie. The last thing she wanted to do was leave him feeling so hopeless, so Olivia stayed for a while. They talked about everything but Darner and the trial ahead of them.


	9. Chapter Eight:Shaken

A/N: Still pretty on track right now with writing chapters for this story so I'm hopeful about posting on time for the next chapter. I know that I thank you guys every chapter for reading and reviewing but I really do mean it. It gives me a lot of encouragement when I see that I got a new review and when I see how many people have read this story. So... thanks :)

* * *

Chapter Eight: Shaken

The trial began. It went through the first few days of opening statements, the testimony of the first of the witnesses (Barba's doorman and neighbors), and beginning to produce evidence (such as the surveillance footage from Barba's apartment building and Darner's DNA). The movement to exclude anything having to do with the other rapes was granted.

Several news outlets were following the case and Barba had to repeatedly reject calls and emails requesting an interview or quote from him. It had been painful to get a call from his mother after she found out a few more details of the attack from the news. He hated reporters more than ever.

* * *

Barba was back at his office and was currently only allowed consult on cases in a limited capacity. He had gotten to the point where he could stay for the whole day without having a panic attack. Coworkers would still stare at him when they thought he wasn't looking but since the bruises started to fade the staring had lessened.

There was a knock on his office door and his secretary leaned in. "Rita Calhoun is here to see you."

Barba braced himself as he nodded to his secretary to send her in. "What brings you here?" he asked as Rita entered the office.

"I heard about what happened," she said plainly as she sat down in front of his desk. The usual smugness in her expression and tone was gone. She looked weary and grave as she spoke to him. "I wanted to tell you that Darner came to me first when he was searching for an attorney."

Rita Calhoun was one of the last people he wanted to talk to about the attack and the subsequent trial. He just wanted her to leave so he could get back to the modified work he was doing. "What does that have to do with me?"

"I told him to take a hike. I believe that he hurt you. I've always felt like there was something off about him from the first time I met him. I'm not surprised he would do something like this."

Barba sighed deeply as he looked across the desk at her. "Do you want a prize for being able to tell that Darner was a rapist before anyone else?" he asked dryly. His patience was wearing thin. In his tone it was clear that he was not making an attempt at their usual banter, this was him lashing out to try to make her leave him alone.

Rita wasn't daunted by his reaction. Her expression remained unchanging as she replied. "I wanted you to know that I'm on your side. Let me know if you need anything, Rafael."

He knew that Rita wasn't a bad person. She did her job well and he could not fault her for that. But he was surprised by the compassion she was showing him at the moment. He stood and followed her to the door as she left. "Thank you. I will," he said in a mildly shocked voice.

* * *

Preparation to give testimony was never easy. Barba sat on the stand, feeling uncomfortable being on the opposite side than what he was used to. ADA Addison Knight was handling his case. She currently stood at the prosecution's table looking down at her files. They had crossed paths a couple of times in the past but he had never worked with her.

Barba repeated his testimony, once again recounting what Darner had done to him. Addison looked up from her files and frowned at him. His words slowed to a trickle before he halted his testimony. "Is something wrong?" he asked with barely concealed frustration.

"You need to show more emotion," Addison told him impatiently. "Right now you sound like this was just another night for you. If you don't show enough emotion then the jury will think that you didn't experience it, that you're lying. If you show too much then they will think that you're trying to play them."

"I know. I'm an ADA, I know how juries see things. I know how all of this works." Barba hated that so far she spoke to him as if he had no experience in a courtroom. To her he was just another victim who was naïve to how the whole process of a trial worked. Every day new reasons to ask them to try for a plea deal came up. Dealing with Addison was just another tally in the "Give Up" column.

Addison sighed as she approached the witness stand. "Let's start from the beginning again."

"I came home after a date with my girlfriend," Barba started. "I entered my apartment and-" He was cut off by the sound of a phone ringing.

Addison pulled her cell phone out of her bag. "I have to take this," she said as she quickly strode out of the courtroom.

Barba leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. If it was already this difficult to give testimony with no one else in the room, he wasn't sure how he was going to make it through cross examination from the defense. Buchanan was Darner's attorney and whenever he thought about having to suffer through having his testimony torn apart by that jackal his stomach tied into knots that took hours to loosen.

"Hey there, Rafael." Barba's eyes flew open and he sprung forward to sit at attention at the sound of Darner's voice. The other man stood in front of the witness stand, close enough to reach across and touch him.

"You can't be here," Barba said with as much authority as he could muster. "This is witness tampering."

Darner grinned as if Barba had just told a particularly clever joke. "I'm not here to 'tamper' with you." He scanned his eyes over what he could see of the ADA's body and shook his head. "As much as I would like to. I just wanted to talk, to see if I could clear up this misunderstanding."

Barba crossed his arms over his chest. The thought of getting up and walking out the door crossed his mind. The only thing that kept him in his seat was the fear of Darner touching him, physically trying to keep him from leaving. He would rather stay "voluntarily". "What misunderstanding?" he asked warily.

"You seem to think that what we did together was somehow not consensual."

"I certainly didn't want what you did to me." Barba hated the shaky edge to his voice that he couldn't control. He sounded so scared and even though he was he didn't want Darner to know.

Darner placed his hands on the witness stand and leaned forward. "We both know that you like that sort of thing. I remember the first time I saw you in court during that case with the author of that book Twenty-Five Acts. You were cross examining Adam Cain. You put that belt around your neck and asked him to choke you…" He trailed off and stared at Barba with unfocused eyes as if he were reliving the memory. When he shook himself free of his reverie he moved around to the side of the stand. "It was so… arousing that I had to slip out and take care of myself in the restroom. I knew at that moment that I had to have you. You can't honestly tell me that you didn't enjoy that night that we spent together."

Barba wanted to kill Darner. He also wanted to ask Darner how the hell he could believe that he enjoyed anything that was done to him. He wanted to scream at Darner to stop talking. But he didn't move or speak. Barba was stuck in a state of paralysis that terrified him.

"Just give up. Tell the detectives and the prosecutor that this was all a mistake and we can move on." Darner leaned in and pressed a kiss to Barba's cheek before running his hand through the ADA's hair. "See you later, Rafael."

Darner left through the door that the jury would come in and leave through. Barba sat unmoving, feeling the constricted muscles in his throat he wondered if he would ever be able to speak again. Flashes of memories of the attack assaulted his mind's eye and suddenly hot tears started rolling down his face.

The doors to the courtroom opened again and Barba startled so hard that he nearly fell out of his chair. Addison's heels clicked loudly and echoed as she approached the prosecution's table. She was staring down at her phone and didn't look up until she was seated. "Ready to continue?" she asked as her eyes slowly migrated up to him. Once she saw the tears on his face she paused looking confused. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Barba stood, grabbing his briefcase and attempting to subtly wipe the tears from his face at the same time. "Nothing... I'm not feeling well. We'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

Addison started to protest but Barba was out the doors before she could finish a sentence.

* * *

Olivia tried to call him but Barba refused to answer. Feeling bad about making her worry, he finally sent her text saying that he was busy. He paced the apartment thoughts bouncing around wildly, ranging from wanting to tell Olivia about his latest encounter with Darner and thinking it might be easier to just say that the attack was consensual (at least that way it would all be over).

That evening Delilah arrived home with a pizza for dinner. "Babe, I'm home," she called out as she walked through the door. "I got us a pizza. I figured that since we both had a long day neither of us would feel like cooking."

Barba walked out of the bedroom having just finished getting dressed after taking a long shower. It had taken longer than he had expected to wash off the feeling of Darner being on him. Even now he could still feel the fingers in his hair and the lips pressed against the side of his face. "Good thinking," he replied to her announcement.

They sat down to eat dinner in front of the TV. Delilah put on Jeopardy as they ate although neither of them were paying attention to the screen. Barba was just trying to force down the bland, greasy cheese and too sweet pizza sauce. Delilah kept looking over to him as if she wanted to say something but at the last second would turn back to the game show. After several minutes of this Barba muted Alex Trebeck's voice and said. "If you want to say something then say it." The day had worn on him and his patience had all but disappeared.

"Look, you know that I- I believe you about Darner." With that starting sentence Barba knew that whatever she had to say he didn't want to hear, but morbid curiosity kept him silent as he waited for her to continue. "But I heard some of the other stenographers talking. One of them has been recording Darner's trial. They seem very convinced of his innocence. I thought you should know what people are saying. And they're saying that this is all something that you made up to get back at Darner for breaking things off with you."

Darner's words echoed in his head. _"We both know that you like that sort of thing."_ If even the stenographer was convinced, then how could he expect the jury to listen unbiasedly to his side of the story. Darner hadn't even testified yet.

" _You can't honestly tell me that you didn't enjoy that night that we spent together."_ Barba dropped his plate on the coffee table and got to his feet. "Do you think I didn't already know that people believe him over me? I've heard people whispering at my office. I'm not an idiot," he snapped at Delilah. Why did she have to bring it up at all? Even if he hadn't already known how outsiders were viewing the situation he didn't need this, only days before he was supposed to testify.

Delilah slowly set down her plate and glared up at him. "You don't have to yell at me. I just wanted you to be prepared for what you're walking into."

"Everyone seems to be forgetting that I am an ADA! I already know what goes on in the courtroom and how the public sees these things! I don't need you patronizing me!" He knew that he was taking his frustrations out on her. With his voice continually raising as he spoke he felt guiltier and guiltier, yet he couldn't stop himself. "Why even bring up the fact that everyone believes that I was having an affair? What makes you think that _forcing_ me to think about it would be helpful in any way?"

Delilah stood up and faced him, her shoulders trembling. "I didn't…" She trailed off but he could hear the end of the sentence in her voice. _"I didn't sign up for this."_ She turned away from him and walked purposefully to the door. With her coat and keys in hand she started to leave, turning back only to say. "I'm getting milk. We ran out yesterday."


	10. Chapter Nine:Cross Examination

Chapter Nine: Cross Examination

Barba sat at the witness stand with Addison Knight standing before him following the script she had built to the letter. He answered the questions exactly as she had told him. All eyes were on him as he spoke about the night Darner attacked him.

"I had gotten back from a date with my girlfriend and I was too tired to notice right away that the door to my apartment was unlocked." _Don't mention that you had been drinking._ "I walked in and sat down on my couch." _Don't sound to emotional but make sure they know that this was traumatic for you._ "Then the defendant came up behind me and knocked me out before I even knew he was there. When I woke up I was tied to my bed, naked and gagged." He took a moment to breathe deeply through his nose. He made the mistake of glancing at Darner across the room. The defendant gave him a crooked half-smile as if they were friends in an unfortunate situation. Flashes of Darner slowly circling him around the witness stand assaulted his thoughts. Ghosts of the touches from Darner's fingers in his hair and lips on the side of his face distracted him. He didn't realize he had been silent for too long until Addison cleared her throat.

"Mr. Barba, please continue."

"Sorry," he muttered as he made the conscious effort to tether himself in the present. "The defendant was wearing a mask while standing at the foot of my bed. He spent several hours sodomizing me and forcing me to perform oral sex on him. Once he left I called for help."

Addison walked back to the prosecution's table to glance at a file. "That was at four fifty-one in the morning that you called Lieutenant Olivia Benson, a member of the NYPD's Special Victims Unit that you have worked with repeatedly. Correct?"

Barba met Olivia's eyes in the gallery. She nodded at him encouragingly and that was enough to keep him going. "Yes. I trusted that Olivia would handle the situation as she did every case: taking it seriously and following protocol to the letter. She is also my friend and I needed her support."

Addison approached the witness stand again. "Did she show you any preferential treatment when investigating your case?" she asked as she turned to the jury.

"No. I do not believe she did anything differently than she did with any other case."

"Thank you." Addison went to sit down as Buchanan stood.

As Buchanan approached the witness stand Barba felt his heart begin to pound in his chest. He wondered if the jury could hear his heart throwing itself against his rib cage in a panic, attempting to escape. He already knew exactly what the attorney would do. Buchanan was going to twist and manipulate every word that came out of his mouth and make it sound as if he was some sort of man-slut who threw himself at anyone who came his way. He would just have to hope that Addison would know how to counteract the damage.

"You have prosecuted many rape cases in your career. Correct?" Buchanan asked facing the jury.

"That is accurate," Barba replied slowly.

"Do you prefer to prosecute sex crimes?" His tone was nonchalant, as if they were having a friendly chat over a cup of coffee.

Barba shifted uncomfortably. He could sense where this was going and he wanted to stop it. Unfortunately, his mind was in as much of a panic as his heart. Thinking clearly was not coming easily in this state. "I believe that is where I can do the most good."

"But you have almost exclusively prosecuted sex crimes in the past four or five years. It sounds like you're a bit obsessed with them."

"Objection!" Addison injected with indignation.

The judge gave Buchanan a stern look then addressed the jury. "You will disregard that last statement." She turned back to the defense attorney. "Get to the questions, Mr. Buchanan."

"Of course, your honor," Buchanan said with a respectful nod. He turned to Barba and took a step closer to the stand making him flinch minutely. Buchanan didn't seem to notice and leaned in a little. "Have you ever experimented with bondage before?" he asked in a stage whisper.

Addison leapt to her feet. "Objection! That is entirely inappropriate!"

Barba sat back, trying to lean as far away from Buchanan as he could manage. Consciously keeping himself from glancing at Darner was made more difficult when he could feel the other man's gaze boring into him.

"Your honor," Buchanan huffed a disbelieving chuckle as he gave a helpless shrug. "How else am I supposed to confirm if this is a pattern of behavior or not?"

The judge took a deep breath before nodding at Buchanan. "You may continue the line of questioning but you better keep this relevant." She turned to Barba and her expression became less harsh. "Answer the question, Mr. Barba."

"No, I have never experimented with bondage," Barba answered through gritted teeth.

"So this was your first time." Barba opened his mouth to interject but Buchanan cut him off. "Don't be embarrassed. I'm sure at least half of the people in this courtroom have experimented sexually."

Addison was glaring at Buchanan and Barba wanted to warn her about alienating the jury. He shook off the thought and refocused on how he was going to reply. "This was my first time being _raped_."

Buchanan cleared his throat and continued. "You see I think that you became so obsessed with rape cases that they began to excite you. Tell me what happened when you were cross examining Adam Cain."

"What?" Barba felt his mouth go dry. He couldn't help it and he let his gaze stray to the defense table. Darner winked at him and licked his lips. A chill ran down his spine and it felt as if that chill deposited a bucket of ice in his stomach.

"Your honor," Addison said incredulously. "How is this relevant to anything?"

Buchanan refused to look away from Barba. "I am establishing a pattern of behavior."

"He's the victim!"

The judge glanced at Darner who was now the picture of a pitiful innocent. "I'm willing to grant some leniency, Mr. Buchanan, but my patience is wearing thin. Please answer, Mr. Barba."

"Adam Cain was being accused of raping Jocelyn Paley," Barba began in a low voice. "I cross examined him and he was found guilty."

"Did you not take off your belt, put it around your neck, and ask Adam Cain to choke you with it?"

"I was trying to show the jury what he had done to the victim. It worked. He was convicted." He did his best to emphasize that he had gotten Adam Cain convicted. At this point the tables had turned and he was the one on trial not Darner. Buchanan was putting Darner in the place of the victim. The defendant was now an innocent lawyer who was being unfairly accused of something heinous in the eyes of the jury.

"But when he didn't pull hard enough on the belt did you not shout at him," Buchanan had made his way back to the defense table and looked down at a file he had pulled out. "'Pull it! Tell me how you like it! Show me how you like it, Mr. Cain. Come on! Pull it! Pull it!'" he read directly from the transcripts.

Barba felt shaky as he listened to Buchanan repeat his words he had spoken several years ago. It was a case he had been proud of. He had put Cain away. Now he just felt sick being reminded of it. "I was trying to provoke him. I was proving a point of how hard he had choked the victim to leave the bruises he had left."

Buchanan hummed as if Barba had said something particularly interesting. "You have to understand, Mr. Barba, those sound like the words someone who is enjoying themselves. How can you expect us to believe that you don't enjoy rough sex now that we know you said those words while a man was choking you with a belt from behind?"

"Objection!" Addison called out as she met Barba's eyes, silently telling him to not answer the question.

The judge gave Buchanan as harsh look. "That's enough, Mr. Buchanan."

Buchanan nodded. "I have no more questions."

Barba swallowed hard as he glanced at the jury. Two of the women looked sympathetic to him and one man was glaring at Buchanan with contempt. Everyone else was either smiling as if Barba had been caught in a lie or looked disgusted with him.

* * *

"I don't think I'll be able to eat anything," Barba said as he looked over the menu.

Olivia gave him a sympathetic look over the top of her own menu. "You should try. You told me that you haven't eaten all day."

He set down his menu and rubbed his hands over his face. "It was horrible," he groaned. "I should have gone after him harder for taking my words out of context. I'm usually fine when I'm under pressure. I've done some of my best work when being put on the spot. But today… I could have done better. I _should_ have done better."

"You can't be so hard on yourself. You couldn't have known that Buchanan was going to bring all of that up." Olivia met his eyes and gave him a stern look. "Stop blaming yourself."

Barba felt like he should have known. Darner had brought it up when he ambushed him during witness prep. He should have realized that Darner would suggest bringing that up to Buchanan. "Did you see the way the jury was looking at me? At least nine of them believe the crap Buchanan is spewing."

"At this point we have to trust that Addison will be able to show who Darner really is during his cross examination."

The waiter came to take their orders pausing their conversation. After he left, Olivia excused herself to use the restroom. Barba sat at the table still trying to process everything that happened in the courtroom. The image of Darner licking his lips had seared itself into his mind. It mixed in with the memory of this assault and now he could see that image instead of the ski mask when he remembered the assailant straddling him as he strangled him with the belt. A wave of nausea came over him and he was certain that he would not be able to eat lunch.

"Mr. Barba," Barba looked up and saw Judge Richter had approached his table. He looked around wondering why this judge was talking to him in the middle of a restaurant.

"Judge Richter," he greeted. "what can I do for you?"

Richter smiled easily and sat down in Olivia's vacated seat. "Please, call me Glen. We aren't in a professional setting right now."

"If that's what you would prefer,…Glen."

"I wanted to ask how you are doing. I heard you've been going through quite the ordeal." Richter sounded sympathetic but there was something strange in his voice that gave Barba pause.

"I've been getting through it," he replied shortly.

Richter suddenly leaned in and looked around as if afraid someone might listen in. "Look, I want to give you some advice, if I may," he said in whisper. "I know that you want to preserve your reputation and maybe Darner did something to hurt you. Either way, I understand where you're coming from but this is not the way to go. Affairs can be forgiven but falsely accusing someone and taking it as far as a trial… That's going to be difficult to come back from. You should stop this while you can. I- I speak from experience when it comes to affairs, so take my advice."

Barba was too shocked to speak as Richter stood, patted him on the shoulder, and made his exit. He didn't know if he was angry, frustrated, upset, or maybe all three. He started to wonder if there was any point to going through this if he was the one getting punished in the end. He couldn't even be guaranteed that Darner was going to serve any time for his crimes. But Barba, he would be the one having to deal with everyone in his line of work whispering about him. The victim always seemed to be the one who suffered the most, even after the initial assault.


	11. Chapter Ten:Betrayal

A/N: Sorry, it took a bit longer than I intended to update. After the semester ended I had more responsibilities than I expected during the holidays. As always, I appreciate any feedback you can give me.

* * *

Chapter Ten: Betrayal

Barba stood in the bathroom examining the dark circles under his eyes and his dull gray complexion. He hadn't slept at all the night before. It was the day of Darner's cross examination and Barba felt sick thinking about how much more the other man would tarnish his image.

A voice in his head told him to call it off, to go to Addison and beg her to let Darner plead out. Barba gripped the sink hard and glared at himself in the mirror. "You can do this," he told himself through gritted teeth. He couldn't back down, not after everything he'd already been through. How many times had he told a victim to hold on just a bit longer, that the trial would be worth it in the end? It would just be a little bit longer and hopefully it would be worth all of the pain and humiliation.

Barba left the bathroom and dragged his feet toward the kitchen to force himself to eat some toast. He paused when he saw Delilah getting ready to leave. "I thought we were going to the courthouse together?"

Delilah looked over at him, a bit surprised with a tinge of shame. "I have to get there early… to take care of some work stuff." She turned away quickly and slipped out the door.

Things had been strained between them since their fight a few days earlier. Barba could feel her distancing herself and he couldn't blame her. He could sense the break up fast approaching. All it would take was another ounce of tension, one more fight, and carelessly placed words with some misinterpretation added in. The cracks were obvious and they were coming closer and closer to complete collapse. The sad thing was that he felt relieved that the stress of the relationship would soon be gone.

* * *

Darner shifted uncomfortably on the stand. His hair was combed neatly into place and he wore a suit with a bow tie that made him look like a young college professor. Barba sat next to Olivia and Fin. Delilah ended up coming in late and sat in the back.

Buchanan put on a concerned frown as he started the questioning. He approached Darner and leaned on the stand giving the illusion of two friends confiding in each other. "Cameron, I know this whole situation has spun out of control, so please explain to us your side of what happened on the night in question."

Darner glanced at the jury and then back at Buchanan looking unsure. He then took a deep breath and began. "Rafael and I set up this 'fantasy scenario' in advance. He gave me a key to his apartment and everything. I went over early while he was on a date with his girlfriend because I was supposed to set up for… the night's activities."

Barba could feel his heart move to his throat as he listened to Darner calmly explaining away his assault. It sounded so convincing in his ears that he wondered for a brief moment if he could be wrong in how he remembered it. He reached over and unconsciously grasped Olivia's hand as he simultaneously bit down hard on the inside of his mouth. The pain grounded him while the feeling of his friend being there kept him from running from the courthouse and getting on the first plane out of New York.

"When he got home we immediately got into character and we had a lot of really satisfying sex," Darner continued. "Was I aggressive with him? Yes, because that is what he asked for."

Buchanan nodded to indicate his rapt attention. "So you two planned out everything that happened?"

"Yes. We met on several occasions in person to discuss this scenario. He is a meticulous planner. Each and every move and act was planned out to the letter. And I followed his script exactly." Darner glanced at Barba and an almost smirk played at the corner of his mouth, disappearing before it could fully form.

"You're saying that Mr. Barba was happy with everything that happened that night, that he was perfectly fine when you left?"

Darner gave a theatrical sigh and shook his head. "Everything was fine when we finished. I was getting ready to leave but then Rafael started talking about breaking up with his girlfriend and us becoming a couple. I don't want to sound like a 'love 'em and leave 'em' type of guy but I was not ready for a committed relationship. I'm still not ready for that. I told him that and he took it badly. We broke up and I left pretty quickly afterwards."

Barba felt eyes on him and he turned his head to see that several members of the jury were looking over at him. With a clenched jaw, he stared right back at them until they looked away, abashed. He was sure that it did not help in endearing him to the jury but he was tired of feeling like he had to be ashamed of what happened to him. It was Darner who should be ashamed.

"Thank you, Cameron. No further questions."

As Buchanan sat down Addison rose from her seat. She was the picture of confidence as she stopped a short distance from the witness stand. "Did Mr. Barba ever say 'No', or 'Stop'?"

Darner looked a bit thrown by the sudden intensity of the question but he recovered quickly. "It was a 'rape fantasy' so yes, he did say those things. It was part of the script, his script."

"Okay. Where is this script?"

"What?" He glanced at Buchanan for support but his attorney seemed just as much at a loss.

Addison stepped closer to Darner but then turned to the jury. "You're saying that Mr. Barba wrote a script for you to follow, that he is a meticulous planner, so where is the script that he gave you? Where is this plan?"

His eyes darted once more to Buchanan. "Umm… I was… using metaphor we didn't actually write anything down."

She turned to him with her hands clasped behind her back. "Nothing written down. Nothing at all. No personal emails or texts. No phone calls. Nothing to record any relationship between the two of you other than some one-sided anonymous gifts and notes."

Buchanan huffed in annoyance. "Objection! Your honor, where is the question?"

The judge turned to Addison. "Get on with it, Ms. Knight."

"Getting there, your honor." Addison unclasped her hands and held them out in front of her as if waiting to be handed something. "So where is the evidence that you two were in any kind of relationship other than the one in your head?" She dropped her hands and raised an eyebrow. "How can we know that Mr. Barba consented to anything you did when all we have to go on is your word?"

Barba felt his chest swell with a feeling that had been absent for too long: hope. Addison was so close to winning over the jury. They were paying attention, leaning forward, eyebrows knit together thoughtfully. He held his breath waiting for Darner's reply.

Darner leaned forward with a sneer erasing the innocence from his face. "The burden of proof is on the prosecution," he spat.

"You want proof? We have the anonymous notes and gifts you sent to Mr. Barba. We have your semen. We have the injuries that you admit to giving him." Addison's voice rose as she spoke but she paused and the next sentence came out calmer. "We have everything but any record of your supposed relationship with him. So, tell me, are we supposed to just take your word for it?"

There was a short pause in which Addison and Darner glared at each other, neither willing to back down. Buchanan started to object but Addison muttered, "Withdrawn. Nothing further," before he could finish saying the word.

Things looked good for the prosecution for the moment. Every member of the jury had a questioning expression on their face. It was all up to whether they were smart enough to see that something about Darner was clearly off.

Buchanan cleared his throat as he stood. "Redirect, your honor?"

Barba's stomach dropped. Buchanan was capable of turning a whole case around with only one question, one statement even. If anything was going to sway the jury back into the defense's favor Buchanan would find it.

The judge nodded her permission and the defense attorney made his way forward. Sweat was visible on his brow but he kept the confidence in his demeanor. "Cameron, please explain why there is no evidence of your relationship with Mr. Barba," he asked calmly.

Darner looked to the jury with pleading in his eyes. Barba felt disgusted by the false innocence the other man put on and took off as easily as a coat. "Rafael wanted us to be extremely covert about our relationship. He was already in a relationship and many people still aren't accepting of gays or bisexuals, even in New York. That meant no messages that could be traced, being seen out in public together only rarely and always under the guise of a professional excuse, making sure that we were secretive about showing up at each other's homes. To be honest I was a bit relieved once I had ended it because the secrecy was becoming more trouble than it was worth."

"Thank you, Cameron," Buchanan said as he sat back down. He wiped the sweat that had collected on his forehead and neck with a handkerchief, an arrogant smile playing at his lips.

Barba scanned the jury to see if they bought any of the crap Darner and Buchanan were spewing. It was hard to tell how many believed it, but it was obvious some were considering Darner's words. The hope he had been feeling deflated a little at the sight.

* * *

The judge had set the next day for closing arguments. As everyone was filing out Barba stayed seated. He glanced behind him to see that Delilah had already left as if she didn't even spare him a second thought. Fin and Olivia stood but paused when they notice that he wasn't moving.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asked softly.

Barba sighed and grimaced at the shakiness in his breath. "Just feeling a little light headed," he admitted.

"Do you need a doctor or something?" Fin asked as he sat back down beside Barba.

The concern coming off of his companions felt comforting. It was an odd realization as recently the concern and worry had been overwhelming, suffocating even, yet at this moment it gave him a strange sort of strength. "I'll be fine," he reassured them as he stood up. "Addison laid all of the facts out and after closing arguments it will be in the jury's hands." He couldn't say that he was at peace with not being in control of the outcome, but the turmoil he had been feeling had settled. The worst of it seemed to be over or at least he hoped it was.

* * *

That evening Barba sat on the couch next to Delilah. Neither of them had spoken about the trial instead choosing to pretend like everything was like it had been before their life had become this nightmare. It was a precarious illusion but they both tried hard to keep it in place even for a few hours.

Delilah reached over and started gently massaging his shoulders. It should have been relaxing but instead he found himself tensing up. Hands were too close to his neck. Her body was pressing against his side as she sat half behind him, half to the side of him.

"Just relax, babe. You're much too tense." Her hands slid over his chest in what was supposed to be a soothing manner.

"I'm sorry, Lilah, but I'm not really in the mood." Barba shrugged off her hands and scooted away from her. Delilah followed him and pressed herself against his side. It was suffocating to have her so close. They hadn't been intimate since he had been attacked and this was too much too fast. She had been so respectful of his space, her sudden change in behavior was throwing him.

Delilah pressed a light kiss against his neck and as he was about to protest she shifted to kiss his mouth. Barba tried to turn his head away but then she was straddling his lap, pushing him back against the couch. Her tongue pushed passed his lips, invading his mouth. He clenched his eyes shut. He wanted it to feel like it had felt with her before Darner had changed what intimacy meant to him but it didn't. It didn't feel like the warm, passionate times he had had with Delilah before, instead it felt bitter and forced. It felt like a betrayal.

And then he was no longer on Delilah's couch. He was on his old bed, hands tied above his head. It wasn't Delilah kissing him as she straddled his lap; it was Darner. His limbs went numb and his heart beat too fast in his chest. He was certain that he was having a heart attack and that he would die there, being violated by Darner all over again.

The lips pulled away from his mouth and hot, heavy breath warmed his ear. "Please, stop," he said weakly. Hands reached for the button of his pants. With trembling hands he pushed the hands away and shoved their owner off of him.

Barba was in Delilah's apartment again. He had pushed her onto the other side of the couch and was now standing. His breathing was heavy, like he had just run a mile and he felt too warm.

Delilah was glaring up at him. "What the hell?" she asked with an annoyed tone.

Barba took a staggered step back. "What the hell were you doing?" His mind was reeling but hot anger and humiliation was bubbling up in his stomach keeping him focused.

"I was being romantic with my boyfriend." Her tone was as if she was speaking to an especially slow child.

"After everything that has happened you thought that would be okay?" Barba asked incredulously.

Delilah crossed her arms over her chest as she stood. "What's the problem?" she asked in a cold voice. "Can you only get it up when you're fantasizing about being raped?"

It would have been kinder for her to have shot him. Her words were more painful than any physical wound she could have inflicted. If he stayed another moment longer he would surely do something he would regret. He made for the door, grabbing his coat on the way out. As he slammed the door behind him he wondered what he had done to deserve all of the pain that was closing in on him.


	12. Chapter Eleven:Borrowed Sanctuary

A/N: I apologize for my sporadic updating. I am taking more classes than I am used to this semester. Thank you for being patient with me while I try to figure out how to balance everything. I appreciate feedback so please let me know what you think. Thanks.

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Borrowed Sanctuary

Olivia had just gotten Noah to finally fall asleep and she carefully tiptoed out of his bedroom, closing the door softly behind her. The steady pitter-patter of the rain that had started outside only half an hour before covered the sound of the creaky floorboard just outside his bedroom door. Bedtime had become quite an ordeal with her son begging for one more story, one more goodnight kiss, or one more lullaby. His nonsensical arguments as to why it wasn't bedtime yet always made her struggle not to smile or laugh. But his exhaustion from the day managed to win out every time over his protests and he would drift off after the third read through of "Goodnight Moon".

With a glass of wine in hand Olivia relaxed on the couch debating whether she should go over the one or two case files she had stashed in her work bag or try to get in a chapter of the book she had been trying to find the time to get through for the past month. Just as she was about to get her book the doorbell rang and she let out a frustrated sigh. It always figured that just as she was about to have some time to herself something else came up.

She approached the door and peeked out through the peephole. Her stomach twisted horribly when she saw a drenched Rafael Barba on the other side. The locks on her door suddenly seemed like diabolical obstacles keeping her from her friend. When she finally managed to get the door open and she got the full view of the ADA she had to swallow down a horrified gasp. He was drenched from head to toe, his skin was a ghostly gray that made him look like a walking corpse, and he was shivering so hard that she was sure that she could hear his teeth chattering.

"Come in," she told him urgently. She reached out to take his arm to lead him inside but he flinched violently away from her. This only made her worry grow and form a lump in her throat. Barba shuffled inside and she closed the door behind him. He looked around and then down at himself as if only just then realizing where he was and what state he was in.

"I- I'm sorry," he croaked. "I didn't mean to disturb you so late. I just didn't know where to go… I can leave. I should leave."

Olivia took a deep breath preparing herself to deal with the situation. "Rafael, you have not inconvenienced me in any way. I want you to stay."

Barba blinked at her then slowly nodded. "Okay."

"I'm going to get you some dry clothes of Tucker's and you can take a warm shower. Once you get your thoughts in order you can tell me what happened. How does that sound?" Olivia could feel her chest tightening as she saw how long it was taking him to process her statement. He seemed very out of it and she was concerned that he may be disassociating.

"That sounds… fine," he said finally.

While Barba was in the shower Olivia started some water on the stove to make hot tea. Every terrible scenario of what could have possibly happened to him ran through her mind. After seeing everything she had seen, it was a long list.

She waited for him to finish his shower and the clock ticked on past an hour. The water she had heated for tea had already boiled. Tea was made and rapidly cooling. The clock kept ticking and another half hour past. Olivia didn't realize she had dozed off until she found herself jerked awake by the sound of someone saying her name.

"Liv?"

She sat up quickly and saw Barba standing in her living room wearing Tucker's pajamas. The legs were rolled up a little but otherwise they seemed to fit. Some color had returned to his face and he was no longer shivering. Both good signs but the far away sense he had about him remained.

Olivia stood but kept her distance. "I made some tea. It's probably cooled by now but I can microwave it for you." He nodded absently and she wasn't sure if he even heard her.

Once she brought him the reheated tea they sat down on the couch. Olivia watched him, trying to gauge if he was ready to talk. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" she asked softly.

There was a long pause. Barba stared into his tea while wearing a deep frown as if waiting for it to tell him what to say. Normally Olivia would be waiting for him to speak with baited breath, but for some reason in the dead of night, the ongoing silence did not feel so long. It felt like the sun would hold off coming up until Barba had relayed the events of the night. There was no rush. They had all the time they needed for him to open up.

He took a deep breath and started to sigh but it was cut short. "Delilah," he said. "She and I… We had an argument. I left and then…"

Olivia waited for him to finish his thought but he took a sip of his tea instead, leaving the sentence unfinished. "Okay. What happened before you came here?"

"I don't…" Barba frowned then looked at her with wide, confused eyes. "I don't remember. I remember leaving the apartment and then showing up here."

"When did you leave?"

"Five, maybe six."

Olivia looked away, attempting to hide her deep concern. There were several hours that he didn't remember. Anything could have happened in that time. "What did you and Delilah argue about?" She kept her tone calm. She didn't want to spook him, but was hoping that taking it one event at a time might jog his memory.

Barba's hands started to tremble and the tea sloshed against the sides of the mug. Olivia reached over and slowly removed the cup from his hands to set it on the coffee table. "We- uh she…" His lips twitched upwards in a wry smile for half a second. It seemed to take effort for him to make the words come out. They were deliberate, coming through gritted teeth, with awkward pauses every few words. "She doesn't believe that Darner _forced_ me to do anything." Barba hunched over with his face in his hands. "I actually dared to hope that things would turn out okay. But it was foolish of me. No one believes me. And how can I expect them to when half the time I start to wonder if I am remembering it correctly."

Olivia's fists were clenched in anger. She had feared from the beginning that Delilah would not be able to respond in an appropriate manner to the situation. Unfortunately, Delilah not believing him was worse. "Rafael, there are lots of people who believe you. I believe you, the whole unit believes you. The people that care about you believe you. You don't have to doubt yourself or your account. We know that you are telling the truth. Don't let Darner's lies twist what you know to be true."

Barba scrubbed his hands over his face. The movement was harsh and Olivia felt concerned that he might hurt himself. When he lowered his hands he seemed to be about to speak again. There was heavy pain held in his expression as he opened his mouth. His lips slowly pressed together again and his face went blank.

She waited to see if he would change his mind again. There was something more that he wasn't telling her and she wished he would confide whatever it was. "You are welcome to stay here as long as you need to," she said once she realized he wasn't going to be opening up. It was the only help she could think to offer. "And if you want to talk some more just let me know."

"Thank you. I think… I think I'm done talking for now."

Olivia couldn't remember a time that Barba didn't want to talk. He was always saying something, whether it be sarcastic or serious, meaningful or off-hand. It was difficult to see the pain layered on top of pain that he was suffering. She nodded at him and went to get him some sheets and a pillow for the couch.

* * *

"Who's dat? Mommy, who's dat?"

Barba woke up to the sound of Noah loudly questioning his presence. He immediately felt like an intruder. Embarrassment over the way he had behaved the previous night burned through him making his face feel hot. The events weighed heavy on his chest. His features morphed into a cringe as he recalled the specifics of how he had been.

"Shh. Noah, Mr. Barba is sleeping" Olivia shushed in a soft voice. "We have to be quiet this morning, okay? So we are going to whisper."

"Shh," Noah mimicked. "'cause he sleeping?"

"Yes, he's sleeping. Now, what do you want for breakfast?"

"I wan'… I wan' chicken nuggets and french fries!" Noah said enthusiastically.

Barba smiled at the innocent request he overheard. It had been so long since a genuine smile had crossed his face that the muscle movements felt foreign.

Olivia chuckled at her son's exclamation. "How about some scrambled eggs and a waffle?"

"No french fries?" The disappointment in the toddler's voice made Barba wonder how Olivia managed to deny him anything.

"Maybe another day, sweetie."

"Okay, Mommy. 'nother day."

Barba closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them and sitting up.

"Oh, Barba, you're up." She sounded surprised and a bit guilty. "Sorry, for waking you. I wanted to get Noah set up with breakfast before Lucy got here."

He turned and saw her holding a carton of eggs with her son trailing behind her. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I wasn't in a good place last night but that gives me no right to barge in on you like this."

Olivia set the eggs down on the counter and looked at him seriously. "Hey," she said sternly. "You are always welcome here. You didn't barge in and I want you to stay as long as you need to."

"Liv, I'll be okay. I only need a few days to find my own place, then I'll be out of your hair."

She shook her head at him. "Look, you're my friend and I don't mind helping you out. But I want you to stop trying to make it sound like you are a nuisance."

"You're right." He knew there was no arguing with her. If he didn't give in, their combined stubbornness would keep them there all day. "I'll stop."

She nodded in satisfaction. "Your clothes are hanging in the bathroom," she informed him as she went back to preparing Noah's breakfast.

After Barba freshened up and changed out of the borrowed pajamas he came out to find Noah playing in the living room while Olivia was making breakfast in the kitchen. He was about to ask her where he should put the pajamas when he realized she was on the phone.

"I don't think he's up for being there for the closing arguments," she said as she swirled the scrambled eggs around the pan. "He's not in a good place right now, Addison."

There was a short pause in which Addison must have replied. Barba wondered whether he should make Olivia aware of his presence or listen for a few moments longer. He didn't get the chance to speak before Olivia started talking again.

"I know. You may want him there but he doesn't need to be there." She huffed in frustration. "It's your job to convince the jury that Darner's guilty, not Barba's."

Olivia turned off the stove and suddenly turned around. She jumped when she saw Barba standing there. "I've got to go," she told Addison before hanging up.

Barba swallowed hard. His stomach churned and twisted into a knot. It felt like rocks were settling in his throat keeping him from speaking. It was becoming too common for him to feel like other people were controlling him and his life. He never expected for Olivia to join in.

It seemed like Olivia realized her mistake as soon as she saw him. "Rafael, I didn't mean-"

"To make decisions for me, like I'm incapable of knowing what I want," he finished for her in a hoarse voice. He was holding the pajamas against his chest like a shield.

She took a deep breath and glanced over at Noah to make sure he was still playing, unaware of the tense conversation going on across the room. "Please, listen. Seeing how you were last night…" She paused and started over. "I didn't want you to feel obligated to go and I wasn't sure that you would be able to call Addison without her trying to change your mind."

"How do you know what I can and can't do?" As he looked at Olivia the fire of indignant anger that had been lit in his belly went out as quickly as it had been sparked. She knew all too well that he would have gone had Addison told him it would help with her closing argument. As much as he hated being in the same room as Darner, as much as he despised the looks he got, as much as he felt the disgust and revulsion from the accusations flung at him and had internalized each one, he would have gone. All the fight fled from him. He didn't have the energy to be angry with Olivia, especially not when she was right.

"I'm sorry. You're right I shouldn't have made that call without consulting you first."

"No," He sounded defeated. His words came out in monotone, falling flat through the air between them. "You are right. I shouldn't go today. Thank you, Liv, for calling Addison for me. Delilah should be leaving for work soon. I'll go get what I can of my belongings from the apartment."

Barba shoved the folded pajamas into her hands and turned away to head for the door. "Wait," Olivia called out. "Lucy should be here soon. I can drive you over." She sounded desperate to either attempt to make amends or to find a way to keep an eye on him. He could not tell which it was, nor did he care.

"No, I need some time to clear my head."


	13. Chapter Twelve:Shadows at the End

A/N: I am so sorry that it took me so long to update this. I had a very busy semester, then some family issues came up, and then some health things came up. Life has been a bit of mess recently, to be honest. The good news is that I have everything but the epilogue written. The bad news is that I am going to be busy with moving and getting my wisdom teeth taken out soon. I will attempt to update regularly and get the epilogue done before I post the final chapter, but right now everything is a bit unpredictable. I will complete this story though, so don't worry about that. I'm going to let you read the chapter now. I always appreciate any feedback that you can give me.

* * *

Chapter Twelve: Shadows at the End of the Tunnel

Barba sat down with his box of microwavable Thai rice noodles. After moving into his new apartment, he did not have the energy to cook dinner and he couldn't stomach the thought of ordering take out and having a stranger deliver it to his new home.

Olivia had been kind enough to let him stay with her for as long as he needed but after their disagreement things had gotten tense. She was walking on eggshells around him and he was having trouble fully trusting her again. He signed a lease for the first apartment that had acceptable security.

Barba flipped on the television and resigned himself to watching a rerun of an old eighties sitcom. His intention had been to distract himself from thoughts about the case but with each passing day that the jury was deliberating he felt more and more on edge.

He put a forkful of the rice noodles in his mouth and chewed. The flavors tasted too strong and overwhelmed his pallet. He had to force himself to swallow. Nothing tasted right lately. Eating had become a chore for him. His Mamí had even invited him over for dinner the other night and he had to force down two full plates of food plus dessert. She was doing what she could to make him feel better and he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Being with family and friends had never felt so exhausting. Every conversation felt like he was handling something delicate that could shatter too easily. It was starting to become easier to not be with people at all. Isolation was not something he consciously wanted. He knew from the cases he prosecuted that it was the opposite of what he should be doing. Yet here he was shutting out the world. It was the easiest path and at the moment he couldn't find it in himself to take any more difficult roads.

* * *

Barba sat next to Olivia waiting to hear the jury's verdict. His eyes drifted over the faces of the jury. They all appeared exhausted. He wondered what kinds of discussions and arguments had occurred. What had they said about him? Did they call him a liar? Did they talk about how unfortunate the accusation was for Darner?

The judge looked to the jury and asked. "On the count of rape in the first degree, how do you find?"

The courtroom collectively held their breath. Barba's chest tightened and he could feel the familiar sense of adrenaline pumping through his body. He couldn't help but glance at Darner. His tormenter's expression was blank but his body was relaxed. Darner seemed to think that the jury was on his side. Barba was afraid that he was right.

"We find the defendant, Cameron Darner, guilty."

Barba startled at the word "guilty". He wondered if he had heard the jury foreman correctly. He turned to Olivia. "Liv, did he just say…" he trailed off not wanting to risk saying the word out loud in case he was wrong.

Olivia looked at him with a cautious smile. "Yeah, he did."

Barba watched as the bailiff walked over and cuffed Darner. The other man no longer looked so intimidating. His face had gone pale and he was shaking.

"You told me you had this," he snapped at Buchanan.

The whole scene felt like a dream and Barba was afraid that he would wake up to find that the jury was still deliberating. He had been vindicated. And even though he was far from being okay he felt like a huge burden had been lifted.

* * *

Olivia had insisted on driving him home. Barba didn't argue. He didn't feel like going out to celebrate and get drinks. He needed to be alone to process. The lightness he had felt for a moment had faded. The heaviness of exhaustion had taken its place. Now that the trial was over and Darner had been convicted he could let down his guard enough to allow himself to feel the full effects of the ordeal. It was strange to realize how much he had subconsciously been holding back.

It was a silent drive but not uncomfortable. Barba was thankful that Olivia seemed to sense that he didn't want to talk.

When they got to his apartment building he turned to her. "Thank you for everything, Liv. I don't think I would have made it through the trial without you." He wanted her to know that even though they had hit a bump in their friendship that he still appreciated her.

"You're stronger than you are giving yourself credit for," she said as she gave him a small smile. "But you know that I'll always be here for you."

Barba returned her smile with a tired one of his own and then moved to get out of the car. "I'll see you later, Liv."

"Rafael." He paused at the sound of his name. "I need to ask you something. Have you found a therapist yet?"

Barba sat back with a frustrated sigh. He had a feeling this would come up again at some point. "No. I haven't."

"I know you didn't seem interested when I first brought it up, but therapy really does help. It can help you find a way to move forward."

His first instinct was to make an excuse or give her an evasive reply. He wasn't ready to divulge the damage that Darner had done. This was something to hide and cover up, then later deal with it on his own. Instead he said, "Okay, Liv, I'll start looking for a therapist tomorrow." He intended to say it so that she would not ask again but he found that he actually meant it. He could try it and see if it helped as much as Liv said it would.

She looked relieved as she put her hand on top of his. "Good."

Barba grasped her hand and gave it a quick squeeze before leaving the car.

* * *

One week later…

Nothing about what Barba was doing could be considered smart. Delilah had called him asking if they could meet up at the coffee shop they had met at. She wanted to talk to him about the conviction. She wanted to apologize. Barba was wary and when she had heard him hesitate over the phone she offered to bring the remnants of his belongings that he had left at her apartment.

He sighed as he parked outside. It wasn't that he wanted to get back together with her. That ship had sailed as soon as those damning words had left her mouth. What he wanted was closure. Once apologies had been voiced and everything was out in the open, once goodbyes could be said and he could walk away, maybe he could stop thinking about that night.

Delilah was sitting at a table by the door. Two coffees sat on the table, one in front of her and one in front of the seat he was intended to take.

"I remembered your coffee order so I went ahead and got it for you," she said as she gestured to the coffee. Her movements and words were both stiff and awkward. It reminded Barba of the Christmas pageant he had been in in sixth grade. Even his mother had admitted it was laughably awful when he had pestered her enough for an honest review.

Barba sat down and pulled the coffee closer to him. "Delilah," was all he said by way of greeting.

She took a long drink of her coffee and when she finally pulled it away from her mouth she said, "Rafael, I know that you don't want to be here, but I am glad that you came." The coffee must have helped to calm her nerves because her words didn't sound awkward anymore. She sounded more like the Delilah he had first met.

Barba copied her and took a drink of his coffee hoping that the familiar movement would steady him. "Say what you wanted to say," he told her. Seeing her acting like the loving girlfriend he had once known was making him uncomfortable.

"Oh, okay." She looked disappointed at his cold demeanor. "I wanted to apologize for how I treated you. This isn't an excuse but, I guess that I had been listening too much to what others were saying about you. I started to question your side of the story. As a result, I convinced myself that you had cheated on me. When I heard about the conviction I realized that I screwed up. So, I'm truly sorry for what I did and what I said. That was horrible of me to do to you."

Hearing such a sincere apology should have made Barba feel better. It should have been his closure, but something felt off about it. She seemed too sincere. "Every day you saw the pain that I was in. You saw me the day after it happened. You saw the bruises that Darner had caused. How could you ever think that it was consensual?"

Delilah sniffed and her eyes filled with unshed tears. Barba couldn't feel any sympathy for her. "I don't know, Rafael. I was so stupid. I honestly don't know why I let myself think such a thing."

Barba looked away as he drank deeply from his coffee. It had been a bad decision to come there. "I think I just need to get my things and go."

"Yeah," Her voice wavered but she swallowed hard and managed to steady it. "Sure, it's all in the trunk of my car."

As they made the walk out to her car Barba's footsteps felt heavy. It took more effort than it should have to put one foot in front of the other. He chalked it up to being tired from the ordeal of seeing Delilah.

She walked ahead of him and opened the trunk of her car. As he approached, his vision started to get fuzzy around the edges. He paused and blinked hard. His vision only blurred further and dizziness overwhelmed him.

Delilah jogged back over to him and she put an arm around his waist. "Are you okay?" Her voice was full of concern as she led him to her car.

"No," Barba said. His tongue felt thick in his mouth causing his words to slur. "I don't feel very well."

"I'll drive you home," she offered. She let him lean against the car as she opened the passenger side door.

He knew he wasn't thinking clearly but he could tell something was wrong. How had he gotten sick so suddenly? "Let me call Liv," he said as he pulled out his cell phone.

Delilah turned to him and shook her head vigorously. "You don't need to do that."

As he attempted to find Olivia's number through his blurred vision, his fingers lost their grip and the phone tumbled from his hands. Delilah pushed him into the passenger seat and slammed the door. He reached for the handle to get out again but his hands refused to obey him. He should have been panicking but his senses had dulled too much to truly feel it.

Delilah climbed in and he heard the engine start. "You put something in my drink." He had to focus hard to push the words out.

Everything started going black. She said something to him that he couldn't decipher. It sounded like she was speaking to him from the other side of a wall. Soon enough the darkness swallowed him.


	14. Chapter Thirteen:What Fresh Hell

Chapter Thirteen: What Fresh Hell

When Barba woke up he felt a fog inside his head. The sound of a television was something for him to grasp onto to drag him back to consciousness. He tried to open his eyes and thankfully the room was dimly lit enough that he could gradually blink them open. He tried to shift from the uncomfortable slouched position he was in only to find that he was restrained in a chair.

This couldn't be happening, not again. Barba was suddenly alert. The room looked like a large basement that had been renovated into a "man cave". An extravagant bar against one wall, expensive couches and an armchair against the other. Football memorabilia hung on every wood paneled wall. He looked to the only television in the room, a fifty-five-inch flat screen mounted on the wall. The low volume had drawn his attention. The image on the screen caused bile to rise in his throat. It was him. A first-person view of his attack. As if a hidden camera had been on the front of Darner's shirt collar.

Barba found that he couldn't look away. The image of his face turned away from Darner, his eyes pressed closed, belt around his neck. He was no longer watching it, he was reliving it all over again.

Suddenly, the video paused and he was snapped back to the present again. His whole body was trembling and a sweat had broken out on his forehead and upper lip. "Glad to see you're finally awake." He turned to see Delilah entering the room. She had a remote in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. "I've been waiting forever. I got bored and decided to watch my favorite show."

"How did you get that video?" Barba asked in a hoarse voice. How did a video of that even exist? He didn't notice a camera on Darner the night of the attack. Then again, he was more focused on making it through the ordeal.

"I pinned a camera on Darner before our date that night." She set down the remote on the bar as she sat down on one of the stools. Her smile that used to warm him now sent a cold chill down his spine.

"What are you talking about?" Nothing was making sense. He wanted all of it to be one of his nightmares. He desperately wanted to wake up in a cold sweat in his apartment.

Delilah took a sip of her wine and crossed one leg over the other. "It should be self-explanatory by now. I started dating Cameron a few months before we met. He worked up the courage to tell me the fantasies he had been having about you. I told him I could help make those fantasies come true, but only if I could watch." She seemed to shiver in delight at the thought. "The plan was that I would date you and gain your trust. Eventually, I would help him get to you. He got impatient," She rolled her eyes and took a gulp of her drink this time. "So, he tried to find some surrogates in the meantime. It was a risk but I didn't want him ruining the plan. Then I hooked him up with a camera the night our plan went into action."

Humiliation washed over him like a wave knocking the wind out of him and freezing him to his bones at the same time. He felt disgusted with her, Darner, and himself. How could he have not seen that she had been a part of it the whole time? Barba felt bile rise again. His gaze drifted back to the image on the television. This time he couldn't fight it. He retched and vomit passed his lips, covering his front.

Delilah continued as if Barba had not given any reaction to the information. The only sign she gave that she noticed Barba had just thrown up all over himself was a subtle wrinkle of her nose. "Unfortunately, that idiot didn't use a condom like I told him. He got overconfident. But now I'm finishing the game on my own terms."

Her words sent him into a fresh panic and Barba struggled against the restraints. Delilah had gone to take a drink, laughing into her wine as she watched him.

"If you let me go now I won't tell anybody what you just told me. I'll pretend that none of this happened." He had tried to keep his voice steady but there a noticeable waver to it that made him feel even more shame than he already felt.

"Nice try," she said as she set down her glass and gracefully slipped off the stool. She grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. "I have to go run some errands. I'll be back soon, love."

Barba felt some relief that the still of his attack was no longer on the screen. As she headed up the stairs he started scanning the room for some weapon or way to get out of his restraints. His search was cut short by the room suddenly going dark. The only light came from the digital clock on the cable box below the mounted television. It read: "7:00 PM".

* * *

It was getting later and Olivia was ready to put aside her paperwork and go home to be with her son. Reports had piled up while devoting time to Barba's case. Now, even a week later, she was still playing catch up.

She gathered her things and moved to turn out the lights. The door to her office suddenly burst open and Olivia jumped in surprise. Rollins stood in the doorway looking frantic. "Barba's phone was found in a coffee shop parking lot. His car was in an alley half an hour away and… Liv, no one can find him"

Olivia's mind started going a mile a minute. The first thought that ran through her mind was: Hasn't Barba been through enough? "Were there any cameras? Who was the last person to see him?"

"No working cameras, unfortunately, but I did get the name and address of the barista who had been working earlier." Rollins held up a slip of paper as proof.

"Let's go," Olivia said as she gestured for them to leave.

* * *

A middle aged, slightly overweight woman answered the apartment door. She left the chain on as she opened it just enough to peek out. "What do you want?" she asked in a cautious voice.

"We're looking for a Holly Jameson," Olivia replied as she held up her badge.

The woman's eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "I'm her mother. What do you want with her? She hasn't done anything wrong. If you think she did, it was probably her friend Nat. That girl is no good. She has a nose ring for God's sake!"

"She's not in trouble, ma'am," she reassured. "We believe she may have witnessed something earlier today while she was working. It is time sensitive, so if we could speak with her…"

Mrs. Jameson undid the chain and let Olivia and Rollins in as she called for her daughter. "Holly, there are some cops here to talk to you."

A teenage girl wearing sweatpants and a tank top walked out from her room. Her dark hair that had purple streaks running through it was pulled back in a messy bun. "Is Nat in trouble again?" She directed her question at her mom but she glanced at Olivia and Rollins as if giving them the option to confirm her suspicions.

"No, this isn't about your friend," Rollins said.

Olivia reached for her phone as she supplied the reason for their evening visit. "We were wondering if you saw this man today?" She pulled up a photo of Barba on her screen and showed it to Holly.

Holly rubbed the back of her neck thoughtfully. "I think so." She was silent for a moment as she studied the phone screen. Her eyes lit up with recognition a moment later. "Oh! Yeah, I remember him. He came in and sat down with some lady. They were talking and it seemed like they were having a kind of intense conversation. I wanted to try and listen in but I got another customer so I couldn't."

Encouraged by the memory, Olivia prodded further. "Did he leave on his own or with the woman?"

"That's where things got weird," Holly leaned in close, like she was sharing the story with her friends instead of the police. "They walked out together but then he started stumbling around like he was drunk or something. But he seemed fine when he first came in. So, then the lady helped him to her car and she drove them away."

"Can you tell us what the woman looked like or what her name is?" Rollins asked.

"She had brown hair, I think. When she paid for their drinks she used cash but she gave the name Lilly, or Lilah. It was something with an 'L'."

After they left the apartment, having thanked Holly for her statement, Olivia turned to Rollins. "It has to be Barba's ex: Delilah. She's the only one with motive."

Rollins frowned in thought. "But do you think she would really go that far?"

Olivia recalled Barba's demeanor when he showed up at her home. Delilah was the one who had caused that. It was enough to make Olivia believe that the woman was capable of hurting Barba physically. "We need to talk to her and see if she has an alibi."

* * *

Barba faded in and out, the darkness around him pulling him into a shallow half-sleep but his fear jerking him back to alertness every so often. It was when the glowing numbers on the cable box read: 5:02 AM, that he heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"What is it that you want to show me, Lilah?" he heard a familiar voice ask. "Just so you know, whatever you put down here will need to be moved by next Friday. That's when my wife gets back from her cruise."

"I'm not planning on keeping it here longer than two days at most," Delilah replied as she flipped on the lights.

Barba blinked in the sudden brightness and took in Delilah's guest. Judge Richter gasped when he saw Barba sitting tied up in the chair, dried vomit down his front.

"What the hell?" Richter exclaimed weakly. "Why is he tied up?"

"She drugged and kidnapped me," Barba explained. His voice sounded hoarse and he attempted to clear his throat but it only caused a fit of coughing.

Richter went to the bar and got Barba a glass of water. It seemed like he was having trouble taking in what was happening. "Here," he said as he helped Barba sip from the cup.

Barba reveled in the feeling of the cool water sliding down his throat. It was a sensation that he realized people too often took for granted. "Help me," he whispered once he was done drinking.

Richter turned his attention back to Delilah. "Why is he here?"

"Because Darner ruined everything and now I'm finishing what he and I started." Delilah had approached Barba as she spoke and roughly grabbed his hair. She forced him to look up at Richter. "And I want you to help me."

Richter dropped the now empty glass and it landed with a soft thud on the carpet. "Darner? You mean… I am so sorry, Barba. I didn't know."

"Are you going to help me or not?" She pushed Barba's head back down so hard that he felt a pop.

The judge shook his head emphatically. "No! No, I won't help you. You need to let him go. Other than the fact that this is morally wrong, you've abducted an ADA. Do you understand how much trouble you're in?"

A cold, mocking laugh burst from Delilah's lips. "You're one to talk about morals! Let me make myself clear, Glen. If you do not do as I say, I will tell everyone about our affair and all the bribes that you've taken. And I will personally call your wife and tell her all about the things that you like done to you."

Richter's complexion had gone white as a sheet. Barba felt a sinking in his gut as he realized that there was no hope that the judge would help him now. "You can't. My wife is a very conservative woman. She can't know about any of that. Please!"

Delilah smiled calmly. "Okay then. Let's go upstairs and discuss this."

As they left, Barba called after Richter. "Help me, Glen! Please." Panic wrapped around him like a boa constrictor. It was suffocating him. He didn't want to die in that basement. He couldn't. "Get me the fuck out of here!" he shouted as he pulled hard at his restraints. The chair tipped from all of his struggling and he hit the ground hard, knocking the wind out of him. He blinked and saw the glass that Richter had dropped directly in front of him. Maybe there was still hope.


	15. Chapter Fourteen:Inhale, Exhale

A/N: Sorry for taking so long to finally get this posted. There is still an epilogue left after this which I am hoping to get posted in the next couple of days (fingers crossed). My apologies and thank you's to everyone who has stuck around through my erratic posting. I'll let you get on with reading the chapter now.

* * *

 **Trigger Warning:** there is a torture scene involving drowning

* * *

Chapter Fourteen: Inhale, Exhale

They didn't find Delilah until she had returned to her apartment in the afternoon the day after Barba had gone missing.

Olivia sat down across from her in interrogation. Fin took the seat beside the Lieutenant as he watched Delilah. She looked surprised and frightened, but he had seen many suspects put on whatever façade was needed to get them out of trouble.

"We have a witness that puts you at the coffee shop with Barba before he went missing," Olivia stated.

Delilah's eyes widened. "What? Rafael is missing? We were at the coffee shop because I wanted to apologize to him. This is all my fault. If I hadn't asked him to meet me… Oh my God." Tears had started to slip down her face as she covered her mouth with her hands.

Fin handed her a tissue. "Here you go. You can't blame yourself for what happened. We just want to know if you saw anything or if he said anything that might help us."

"She's the suspect," Olivia hissed at him. He pretended to glare at her as part of their act.

"Rafi wasn't feeling well so I drove him home. He talked a bit about maybe leaving the city, getting a fresh start and all that. But he doesn't seem like the type to just up and leave."

"No, he doesn't," Olivia said flatly. "So, what kind of drug did you put in his drink?"

"What? I didn't-"

Olivia stood up and leaned over the table to get in Delilah's face. "Where are you keeping him? What have you done to him? Do you know what kind of backlash you'll get for attacking an ADA?"

"Liv, stop it," Fin said as he grabbed her arm. "Can't you see that the poor girl has nothing to with this?"

"Nothing to do with this, my ass!"

"Take a walk." Fin gestured to the door. Olivia left after throwing one more nasty look at Delilah.

"Thank you," Delilah said with a relieved sigh after the door closed.

Fin nodded as he resumed his seat. "You have to forgive her. She and Barba are close."

"They are? Are they…" she trailed off, implying a romantic relationship between Barba and Olivia.

"Nah, they're friends. Close friends." Fin watched her expression and could see a subtle change that he couldn't yet decipher. "Look, Delilah, I'm going to be straight with you, if you did anything-"

"I didn't do anything!" she jumped in defensively.

He continued as if she hadn't interrupted. "If you tell us now or give us anything about where he is, we may be able to work something out."

They ended up having to release Delilah but Olivia sent Rollins and Carisi to follow her. Fin sighed as he sat down on the couch in Olivia's office. "Sorry, Liv, I thought I'd be able to get more out of her."

Olivia shook her head. "It's okay, Fin. I'm getting the sense that there is more to her than any of us expected."

* * *

Barba had managed to break the glass and was attempting to saw through his restraints. It was more difficult than he had anticipated and he had plenty of cuts on his hands to show for it. Being on his side in a fallen chair did not help the situation. The sound of the door opening and slamming shut startled him. Barba dropped the shard of glass in his hands.

Delilah walked behind the bar looking flustered. Her clothes were rumpled and her hair was askew. She poured herself a glass of wine and smiled as she took in his current position. "You look comfortable," she said as she drank from her glass.

Barba heaved a frustrated sigh. He tried to shift his position but felt something in his shoulder crack painfully. He did his best to muffle the pained yelp that automatically came out.

"Oh, pobrecito," Delilah laughed as she made her way over to him. She grabbed his chair and put him back upright.

The sound of glass crunching under her shoes drew her attention. She looked down and picked up a large shard that had some of his blood on it. "You were trying to escape," she stated in a low voice.

Barba could feel the rage radiating off of her. She was the one who had orchestrated his attack, he could only imagine what she had in store for him as punishment. "I'm sorry." Maybe if he could calm her down he could reason with her, and avoid any more pain at her hands. "I won't do that again."

Delilah straightened and cleared her throat. "No, you won't. I'll make sure of that."

When she left the room, Barba pulled at his restraints again. He hoped that the progress he made on cutting them would be enough. His shoulder protested his movements. Sharp pain shot down his arm and through his upper back. "Come on," he muttered as he forced himself to keep pulling. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to focus. He must not have made as much progress as he had thought because he wasn't feeling any give.

* * *

Barba focused on the clock as he breathed through the pain in his shoulder. He pulled again and again, unwilling to accept his helplessness. Half an hour had passed when the door opened again. This time he heard two sets of footsteps. There was a sound like whimpering that turned into decipherable words. "I can't do this. I can't do this." It was Judge Richter's voice.

"Be a man," Delilah snapped.

When they came into view Barba saw that Richter was carrying a large, steel basin like one might use when bobbing for apples on Halloween. Delilah followed closely behind him carrying a cloth bag.

"Put it over there." She gestured for Richter to put the basin behind the bar. As he followed her orders she gave the next directions. "Then I need you to untie him and put these on him."

Delilah pulled a set of handcuffs and a blindfold out of the bag and set them on the bar. Barba felt a wave of fresh panic rush through him. It was like someone had just injected ice into his veins.

"Please, Glen, you don't have to do this." He knew it was useless to beg Delilah for mercy at this point. His only chance would be to appeal to Richter. "At this point you haven't done anything that you can't come back from. If you stop all of this here we can all walk away from this with our lives intact." Persuading people was what he did for a living and he'd be damned if he let himself die because he couldn't convince Richter to help him.

Richter glanced from Barba to Delilah with wide, panicked eyes. "Delilah, he's right. If we stop now we might be able to-"

"Shut up!" Delilah pulled something else out of the bag and pounced on Barba. She shoved a gag into his mouth and fastened it behind his head. "You don't get to talk anymore."

His appeals were cut short. Barba planned to make a run for it as soon as he was untied. This would be his last opportunity for freedom as far as he could tell. Unfortunately, Richter was smart enough to handcuff him with his legs still tied. As the judge put the handcuffs on he pulled on Barba's injured arm. Barba let out a muffled cry of pain.

"Sorry," Richter muttered before finishing up and putting the blindfold on him.

The sound of water running filled his ears. Everything else was silent for what felt like hours. No one spoke or moved. The only other sound he could hear was his own breathing. Even that seemed to be drowned out by the water reverberating off of the walls of the steel basin.

The water shut off and hands started untying his legs. He kicked out but didn't make contact with anything. Something hit him hard in his injured shoulder and he doubled over in pain.

"Be a good boy, Rafael," Delilah's disembodied voice hissed in his ear.

Barba was pulled up from his chair by his good arm. He tried to get his feet under him but wasn't given the chance. He was dragged across the floor and pushed down into a kneeling position. It felt like he was going to be executed. The moment felt tense, like a cord being pulled taut.

He tried to speak, hoping to get across some form of pleading. All that came out was a muffled whimper. He felt pathetic, kneeling there, so helpless.

What he recognized as Delilah's fingers ran through his hair. "Put him under and don't let him up until I say," she ordered as she removed her hand.

Barba was suddenly pushed head first into icy water. He could even feel pieces of ice hit his face. The water filled his nose making it burn down into his throat. He flailed trying to get away but Richter held him steady.

He held his breath for as long as he could and just when he was about to give up he was pulled out of the water. Barba fell sideways and laid on the floor. The blindfold, weighed down by the water, slipped down his face.

Delilah slapped Richter across the face. "I didn't say to let him up!"

"He was going to drown," Richter said full of breathless panic.

"No, he wasn't. Do you know how long it takes for someone to drown?" Richter shook his head. "A hell of a lot longer than forty seconds. Put him back under. Now."

Barba shook his head as Richter pulled him back up. He tried his best to speak, only making grunts and spluttering noises. The judge shoved him beneath the water once more.

This time he was under for much longer. His flailing got weaker as he felt the effects of the lack of oxygen. This was it. He was going to drown there in the basement of Judge Richter's home. He thought about his mother and Olivia. After all of the loss that both of them had experienced he felt guilty that he would be leaving them too.

Water stung through his air passages as his body automatically tried to take in oxygen. It burned deep into his chest. He wanted air but he had no more energy to fight back against the grip holding him there. Everything was feeling fuzzy in his head. Then he fell unconscious.

* * *

When Barba woke up he was on the floor of the basement. He was still handcuffed but the gag was off. He spluttered and coughed up the water that he had breathed in. It felt like he had swallowed a handful of needles.

Delilah and Richter were nowhere in sight. Barba saw his chance to escape. As he got to his feet, his legs wobbled dangerously beneath him. He felt weak, like his muscles could give out at any moment. He remembered the last time he felt so weak was after Darner had attacked him. Memories threatened to flood in but he took a deep stinging breath and pushed them back.

The sound of a loud gunshot ringing through the air startled Barba. He froze, unsure what it meant. A moment later he heard footsteps haltingly descending the stairs. Delilah came into view. She was loosely gripping a gun in one hand by her side and flecks of blood littered her clothes and her face.

"Oh, you're alive," she said in a far-away voice when she noticed him.

Barba stepped back. "What happened? Where's Richter?"

Delilah clenched her jaw and her hand tightened around the gun. "He just wouldn't listen. I pulled out the gun because I wanted to scare him. But he just had to go and be an idiot. I didn't mean to shoot him."

"Okay," Barba started with a forced calm. "If we can get him some medical attention-"

"Don't you get it!" Delilah screamed as she waved the gun in the air. "He ruined everything. Now I have to fix it. That means I have to get rid of you. This wasn't supposed to happen!"

This couldn't be happening. Not after he had survived so much. "Delilah, you don't have to do that. I can help you." Barba wasn't sure what he was offering. All he knew was that he didn't want to die. He didn't want his mother to cry over his body. He didn't want Liv to blame herself for not saving him.

Delilah slowly approached him. Tears were filling her eyes. "I don't even know why I did all of this. It just… It makes me feel alive to see other people hurting. I've never actually hurt anybody before though. I always let someone else get their hands dirty." She lifted her hand that was holding the gun and brushed it against the side of his head. "You can't help me, Rafael."

Barba took a shaky breath as he squeezed his eyes shut. There was no sound of the gun going off but he felt something hit him hard in the side of the head.

* * *

Richter had called them. Olivia both hated the man for his part in what he put Barba through and was grateful that he did end up calling them. They found the judge barely clinging to life upstairs. When they went to the basement Delilah was standing over an unconscious Barba pointing a gun at him. For a moment, Olivia feared that they were too late. There was blood covering the side of his head. Then she saw the subtle rise and fall of Barba's chest. Delilah had only knocked him out.

Olivia rode in the ambulance with Barba. She watched him closely and saw when he blinked his eyes open as he woke up. It felt like she could finally breathe again when he looked up at her. Relief showed plainly on his face as he realized that he had been saved.

"You're safe now," she told him as she reached past a paramedic to grip his hand.

Tears leaked out of Barba's eyes and Olivia could feel hot tears running down her own face. She swore to herself that she would never let anything happen to him again. She felt responsible for not seeing the person Delilah was and the pain that woman had caused him back when he came to Olivia's apartment.

Olivia held his hand a bit tighter. She didn't want to let go.


	16. Epilogue:Take Your Time

A/N: Hey, sorry for the long wait. Here is the epilogue! Thank you for sticking with me through the story.

* * *

Epilogue: Take Your Time

It had been six months since the incidents with Darner and Delilah. Delilah took a plea deal. She would be serving several years in prison and be put on the sex offender registry for possessing footage of the rape. Richter resigned from his position as a judge and was not charged. He wrote a letter to Barba, apologizing for his part in the kidnapping. Barba never responded to him.

* * *

Barba had just had his first full week back as an ADA. Olivia felt like it was a good reason to celebrate. Barba's therapist thought it would be good for him to reward himself for getting so far with his recovery. They planned a quiet dinner at a nice restaurant.

Barba sat at a circular table with Olivia, Carisi, Fin, and Rollins. Carisi was telling a mildly entertaining story that Barba was only half listening to. It was obviously more meant to impress Rollins than to interest anyone else. The waiter came around with water for everyone. Barba's glass was filled in front of him. The soft splash of the ice falling in with it made his chest tighten.

 _Barba was suddenly pushed head first into icy water. He could even feel pieces of ice hit his face. The water filled his nose making it burn down into his throat. He flailed trying to get away but Richter held him steady._

Barba took deep breaths, refocusing on the present. He was safe. Delilah was in prison and Richter was nowhere to be seen.

Carisi was continuing with his anecdote as the waiter walked away. Barba carefully rolled up the sleeve of his shirt. He prayed that everyone was too wrapped up in what the young detective was saying to notice him. He reached into his glass and pulled out the three pieces of ice that were floating around in it. He put them in his napkin and folded the cloth over.

Fin glanced away as soon as Barba looked back up pretending not to have seen him. Barba pressed his lips together as he felt a wave of shame wash over him. Luckily, Rollins and Carisi hadn't noticed a thing. Olivia managed to meet his eyes with her worried gaze. She had seen it.

It hadn't taken long after Barba got out of the hospital for him to realize that ice was a trigger for him. As soon as it touched his lips he would feel like he couldn't breathe. It took an embarrassing amount of time for him to calm down. His therapist was still trying to help him work through it.

At this point, enjoying his time out with everyone seemed like an unreasonable goal. Feeling Olivia's eyes on him made him want to sink into the floor. He just wanted to get through dinner without having a panic attack.

After dinner Barba stood outside waiting for the cab he had called. Olivia offered to wait with him.

"You don't have to wait with me," Barba told her as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I am a grown man." He wasn't ungrateful. It was the feelings of shame and helplessness that came along with it that caused him to speak up.

Olivia shrugged. "Maybe I just enjoy your company," she countered.

It was a thin excuse considering how closely she had been watching him the past six months. She came to check on him more often than necessary, invited him over whenever they saw each other, and whenever they were in the same room together she watched him with this nervous expression on her face. It was like she was expecting him to break at any moment.

"You've been enjoying my company a lot since Delilah… since I got out of the hospital." He turned to face her. She looked away for the first time in six months. The words came out like an accusation even though he hadn't meant them to. "Why? I'm in therapy. Even if I do have a setback I have a support system. Or do you think I'm not strong enough to get through this?"

Olivia's eyes widened. "You know that's not what I think of you. You are one of the strongest people I know."

"Then what's going on? Because, to be honest, your hovering is not helping."

A sigh left her lips and Barba could suddenly see the weariness clear on her face. "I feel responsible, Rafael. I feel like I should have seen the type of person Delilah was before she hurt you. I guess I'm trying to overcompensate. I apologize for being too over the top with trying to keep an eye on you."

Barba frowned as he reached to put a hand on her arm. "You are one hundred percent not responsible for anything that happened to me, Liv. There is no way you could have known what kind of person Delilah was. And I appreciate your concern for me but I need to be able to deal with things without feeling like I'm being watched. And you need to not worry yourself sick over me. I will be okay; and if I'm not, I'll let you know."

Olivia nodded. "Rafael Barba, always the voice of reason."

They hugged and Barba waited for the suffocating feeling that would force him to pull away from her prematurely. It didn't come and he breathed a sigh of relief. They pulled away when the hug came to its natural end.

Knowing that Olivia would be there for him no matter what and that she would listen to his concerns lifted a weight that had been on his shoulder for the past several months. She had become his sanctuary when he thought that he had none left.


End file.
